Death by Anal Seepage or The Worst FanFic Eva!
by XimitationXgoth
Summary: By wish of a girl, Envy and his posse Ed and Al are brough to life with power to jump into comics Naruto series. Somehow Jesus and Lucifer get involved, along with bad madeups. The result? Besides war between heaven and hell, ghastly Naruto FMA xover.
1. When Jesus met Luci

A really bad crossover between FMA, Naruto, and the Bible. . 

Rated M for poor writing skills, crack humor, insults to illegal aliens, insults to emos, insults to the American stereotype, unholy speaking of the Bible, turning our Lord and Savior into a mere rebound man, bringing back what has and should remain dead, making Kakashi gay for someone that is other than Iruka-sensei, finding a shorter path to becoming a ninja, crossing two fandoms with each other, whoring out characters in strip bars, gay yaoi, possible yuri, faking an angst attack, and making note of the Devil's hot pink, sparkly, high-heeled pumps.

Disclaimer: I nor Lord Dogma own Naruto, FMA or certain parts of the Bible.

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**Death by Anal Seepage or the worst Fan Fic Eva!**

By Lord Dogma and Imitation Goth

**Chapter 1 ****When Jesus Met Luci**

_Dear God, _

_I'm an overveight girl with numerous medical problems and thick rimmed glasses and … I plead you to bring Envy back to life. Please do. _

_You, sadistic bastard, made my life a living hell. Each moment feels like an eternity of suffering with no happiness in the end. EVERY. _

_I believe you have done great vrong to me, making me Emo and all. There for, using my immense knovledge of fairness, it vould seem reasonable to ah… grant my most desired vish. _

_Amen… _

"And now to slit my vrists!"

_Meanwhile in Heaven…_

"B-but Daddy…I love Luci!"

"Jesus, how many times do I have to tell you?! We do not speak of Devil's name in _THIS_ heaven. Be gone to your room!"

"Ah, Dad..."

This last exert from a three hour long angry outburst was due to the fact that God was having family problems. Not long ago the Great Almighty Creator found out that Jesus was 'secretly' meeting with Lucifer. Obviously, it looked rather bad for the Father when his Holy son was seeing the embodiment of utter evil of all the mortal worlds. Aggravated by his Father's squareness, Jesus ran into his room in tears. Arguments were useless against the creator of all.

"He's such a meanie beanie!"

The Savior flopped onto his waterbed, burying his face into a pink-laced pillow. It seemed that he was crying for hours instead of the actual five minutes, when suddenly the not-so-holy-son heard an annoying screeching voice… it sounded like an overweight girl with numerous medical conditions wearing thick-rimmed glasses was praying. Jesus roughly wiped off his tears with back of the white sleeve, leaving black smears from his mascara across his flushed cheeks.

"Envy, eh?" Jesus thought with an evil grin.

"All right. I'll do it! Luci would be so proud of me! I mean… it's seriously hard to please him nowadays. Since he brought MCR (as one of the plagues) to earth, his diabolical schemes became even more - diabolical..."

Pondering out loud, Jesus began to gather his Mystic Power Ranger's powers around him to bring Envy to life when...

God knocked down the door with a parental battering ram and charged into the room. Distracted, Jesus accidentally used more power than needed and brought Edward, Alphonse AND Envy to life, granting them the power to jump into random comic books... for no reason, really.

"Oh, that's not good…" said Jesus before God started beating the hell out of him. Literally…

While the heavens above reflected God's fury, lightning flashing and such, the overweight girl with numerous medical conditions and thick-rimmed glasses decided to go to her local library. For no reason. She put on her mascara thickly and dusted her paper bag, holes ripping through the bottom. She even put on her best "Life Sucks" pin on it along with checked vans and XL cargo pants. She knew that today would be special. How could it not? She could feel it in her very bones. And it was sure to be! As soon as the overweight girl with multiple medical conditions and glasses stepped out of her house, it started to rain. Overhead lightning snaked through the infinite plain of the sky. Blinking savagely, the overweight girl with multiple medical conditions and thick-rimmed glasses ventured to the library. She arrived to the public storage of all the human knowledge… or at least some pretty damn good books, wearing soggy clothes and clearly angry with the world and all its inhabitants...

Oh but Little did she know that her prayer was answered by the heart-broken Jesus.

The overweight girl with numerous medical problems and thick-rimmed glasses sat on a broken down chair and opened up her favorite manga, Full Metal Alchemist.

"Oh, Envy. I know YOU vould love me for vho I am."

"Hell nah!"

The overweight girl with numerous medical conditions and glasses heard a mystical voice come from the open book.

"Oh no! The spirit of my uncle vhom I killed last summer and kept a secret because I vould go to jail if anyone vould eva hear me say it out loud came back to haunt me! Some one save me from the Great Beyond!"

Lightning flashed outside giving the library an eerie feeling. Darkness crept in, bringing the glare of evil to new intensity. Silence blanketed all. The overweight girl with numerous medical problems and glasses could hear her own irregular heart beat and race as though it tried to win a gold medal in Olympics sprinting event. (Fat chance)

Suddenly, the pages of her manga began to turn by themselves. She screamed, throwing it down, while a created invisible force hit her square in the face. The gusts of wind erupted, as the smoke began to clear. A lone shady figure rose. It laughed harshly.

"Foolish Mortal! It is I-"

"E…E….Edward?!"

"Wait... this isn't Mustang's room. What the hell!"

"This isn't fair. I asked for Envy. Envy godamnit!"

And so the tale of woe begins….


	2. Exposé of American Life

Still don't own FMA or Naruto. But some day...Muhahahaha

Thank you for the reviews.

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Chapter 2 Exposé of American Life 

A methodical buzzing and bumping against a sturdy wall came from an old rusty radiator as it hissed. Nervous rumpling of hands against paper gave out a choppy echo through the hushed room, breaking silence for moments at a time. Outside, a bird merrily chirped. Neat little steel chairs stood in a welcoming circle. In the midst of vivid lights and shadows, awkward figures of men and women sat with shameful air around them.

"Would anyone like to share their stories with us?"

A lone hand shot up.

A pleasant looking woman nearing her fifties with tussocks of graying hair nodded, eyeing the owner of the raised hand with curiosity.

"Yes?" she said in a rather deep and manly voice. She was probably a smoker, the owner of the hand deduced.

A tall bulky suit of armor stood up from his seat.

"Um, Hi everyone," a childishly naive voice came from the bulky mass of the shining metal. "My name is Alphonse Elric and - God, this is so hard. Can you please give me a moment?"

_Ok. Ok. You can do this. You can do this. You're the man. You can do anything. You're the man. Concentrate. _

"My name is Alphonse Elric…. and I have problem with alcohol."

The room sounded in polite applause and words of comfort.

"So you admit that you're an alcoholic?" the smoker said, a devilish grin spreading over her aging features.

"No, what I'm saying is that I have a _problem_ with alcohol." Alphonse responded with a blatant frown and an annoyed wave of his hand.

"A problem?" the woman asked, raising brow politely.

"Yes."

"And by that you mean…?"

"I can't drink!"

The room erupted in vigorous applause and cheer.

"Bravo!"

"A shining example to us all!"

"Good for you, sir!"

"If only there were more people like you!"

Alphonse blushed.

_Idiots..._

_

* * *

__After the meeting..._

Al was taking down another AA banner from the wall. He was the only one who could reach the ceiling and had enough lung capacity to exercise.

After all, Al thought, this was the United States.

At first, Al had a hard time adjusting to the American way of life. The fact that Americans didn't move, or exercise or think did shock him. The only consolation for the misery of adjusting to the practically vegetable state of life was that it reminded him of Gluttony, the fat, bold, little man that ate everything and anything. Yes, Al could make the connection. But, as he began to observe the American life even closer, he realized that their favorite pass time was not only eating but also whining. Since Al couldn't do the former, he learned the art of whining. Perhaps this was one of the many many reasons why he decided to join the AA. This gave him a chance to learn from the best of the best, whiniest of the whiniest etc etc.

But what delighted Al the most was the American custom of rolling instead of walking. Americans couldn't possibly physically support their impressive bulk of a body on the short weak little legs of theirs long enough to walk five feet of the distance to their cars. These strange creatures actually adapted to their present day form and were quite mobile. More than once Al witnessed as one or the other mountain would fall to the ground, with much racket, and, using unknown gravity defying forces, roll until reaching their destination, a Hummer with a ghastly pet name "Earth Destroyer".

Al heard a slight flop of a shoe heel. In a flash his line of thought was broken. Turning around, he let the banner fall to his feet. It draped around the massive metal pillars of his legs like a hungry snake.

It was the woman from the AA meeting.

"Tell me young man," she began in a frail voice, flittering her eyelashes, clumps of mascara clinging bunches of the hairs together. "Do you know who was my favorite character in Wizard of Oz?"

"What?" he asked his armor face whitening with dread.

"The tin man…"

Al gulped as the elderly woman began to make her way through the room. Her irregular footsteps reminded him of a pirate with a wooden leg. Amazed at such a connection, Al for a moment broke away from reality and dived into the world of Pirates of the Caribbean and tipsy and/or fruity Johny Depp...

But as soon as the significance of the present situation hit him, Al began to panic. There was no way out. And, oh no…she was holding rubbing alcohol. Al let out a slight squeal. He loved rubbing alcohol. It made his armor uber shiny and smooth…

The woman was now a few inches from his head. She eyed him, licking her withered, dry lips salaciously. With one hand she raised bottle of rubbing alcohol.

"I'll rub it in for you," she whispered seductively slightly swinging the bottle between her thump and middle finger.

"No - You don't have to. Honest. I mean…"

"Shush," she said putting a finger on his jagged metal lips.

"Not a word…"

Closing her eyes, the elderly woman lent in to kiss her 'tin man'.

In a moment of panic, Al remembering his ultra mega awesome alchemical powers, quickly used them to make a life size dummie of Bush Junior from the floor tiles. During the moment of confusion, he quickly dodged for the floor doing one of those Matrix jumps with slow motion stuff and awesome techno music.

He slammed the door behind him as he heard the manly woman whisper, "I'm sorry, Georgie. But I don't believe in trans-species relationships. Let's face it. A woman of my class can't be with a monkey... even if you are a great kisser."

"He's married too," Al yelled out as he began to run for the nearest exit.

Alas, it just so happened to be mindless zombie week and the halls were full of … well... mindless zombies. Al quickly charged through the loose jawed and drooling horde, running over two hot guys, a half naked fat chick, and a short bald fat Jewish man who died first when the zombies attacked, simply because he was a meanie beanie. He turned left into the women's bathroom, scared up by a chorus of screams, turned right into the men's bathroom.

He ran in, slamming into the opposite wall and knocking over an immigrant janitor, causing him to drop a badly kept book he had found in one of the stalls earlier and stumbled backwards into the nearest stall.

"No me gusta!" he cried before his ass sunk into the open toilet, trapping him.

Alphonse had nowhere to run. The bathroom had only two doors. Behind one, a necro-fiesta. The behind the other, harsh manly cries for a tin man.

Al backed away from the doors, stepping on the janitor's book. Picking it up, Al read the title. "Naruto…" he said out loud. He opened it, careful not to damage the already injured corners. But as soon as the youth touched the pages of that manga something strange happened. Darkness enveloped everything, forcing air out of the environment. He felt like his head was being pulled forward. Al screamed…

It seemed as though he was out for hours, when Al felt a foot nudge at his side. He reluctantly focused his eyes.

Over him stood half masked man, one eye shown to the world.

"You're a big fellow, aren't ya?"


	3. There is a point to this story, I swear

I own nothing but this ancient computer and Internet connection. Honest to god.

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**Chapter 3 There is a Point to This Story, I Swear**

"Can my savior tell me his name?"

"It's Kakashi."

"Cockroach…"

"Kakashi."

"Cactus?"

"Kakashi."

"Carrot?"

"Kakashi!"

"Dick Cheney?"

"How did you get _Dick Cheney_ out of my name? Luci damn it!"

"Yes?" A rebellious voice came from the other room as a head of a young man popped out through the doorway. Locks of raven hue fell in front of the savage crimson gaze. Brows furrowed and lines of mouth tight, the rather handsome features portrayed essence of malevolence. Orbs moved slowly menacingly across the room, stopping at the suit of armor.

"Is this the punk?" the vicious young man asked, narrowing his gaze as though trying to drill a hole through the vastness of the others armor.

"Luci, vhat are you doin'?"

"Wahhhhh."

"Go back into the room. I'll be right there," spoke calmly the one dubbed Cactus… or wait no, it's Kakashi. The young man of menacing nature disappeared behind the wall with an obvious air of disappointment yet also with that of puppyish hopefulness.

"I'll get you next time, fat man…"

"Anyway. It's Kakashi."

"Ka-" "Shush, don't say anything. I swear. You are almost as dense as Naruto."

"Who is this 'Naruto'?" the suit of armor asked tilting his head to the right.

"He's the shortest ninja in the Village Hidden in the Leaves."

"Hmm, that sounds like my brother, Edward."

"Is he blond, short, and annoying?"

"Yep."

"Strange…but that would explain why I've been seeing Naruto more than twice a day."

A tear-filled pause.

"That boy is everywhere," the silver headed man added shacking his head sadly.

"Oh I can't believe this! Edward is here too? O, I wonder what's he doing this very moment." _

* * *

_

_This very moment…. _

_"Welcome to the three hour ninja training program. If you aren't a ninja after this course then you are a complete and hopeless loser."_

'Sounds promising.' thought a short blond boy of eighteen summers as he stepped into a dim room.

Smell of smoke was overpowering in the small space. The youth covered his nose and mouth with the sleeve of his jacket.

_"Are you interested?"_ asked the low hissing voice of the announcer.

A muffled reply escaped the boy's lips. Instinctively, he narrowed his gaze, but could not place the position of the speaker.

_"Are you worthy enough to be a ninja?"_

"Pfcouvse ei amf."

"_Do you have the courage, the spirit, the devotion to give your life up for your fellows_?"

Frightened the young blond shook his head to and fro in negative gesture.

_"That's great!"_

"…What?"

_"This is a three hour program. What did you expect?"_

"Um..."

_"Shut up! First rule of ninja: you never _ever_ hesitate. Hmm, unless your life is on the line. Then you can hesitate and all that stuff, if you know what I mean."_

"Are you sure this will make me into some – "ninja" is what you call it right?"

_"That's what the sign says. Are you accusing me of false advertisement, shorty?"_

"WHO ARE CALLING A BEAN SPROUT MIDGET GROWING UNDER A ROCK?!!?!?!?!?!?!"

Muted laugh echoed through the room.

_"Please, you're no better than Tom Cruz. Changing light bulb without a ladder. Mission Impossible." _

"You asked for it, mother-father."

_"Mother-father?"_

"I'm not allowed to swear openly in this fan fic, not until like chapter twelve or somethin'."

_"Oh…."_

With ferocity of an untamed beast, Edward clapped his hands together. Blue energy crackled around his hands and the ground. Slowly a large object rose from the ground. The next moment the smoke was blasted back by the force of a giant fan, right into the face of its creator. The blond coughed at the putrid smoke crawled up his nostrils and filled his mouth with sour unpleasantness.

And yet, Ed still couldn't see the instructor.

_"My… you _do _show promise…"_

"I swear. I'm going to get you."

_"Just pay at the counter and let the _fun _of learning begin."_

The blond youth murmured something rather colorful and foul in its meaning and moved toward the counter.


	4. Today’s Soap Opera is…

Yes, Kakashi is having an affair with someone besides Iruka. Shocking, isn't it?

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**Chapter 4 Today's Soap Opera is…**

Crash! Great disturbance of the air vibrated through the small space of the room as the ceiling collapsed. Waves of dust, like tongues of untamed fire, rose to the high heavens. In almost meticulous manner they tried to block the small opening in the roof made seconds ago. But the flimsy substance of the dust could not block the brightness of the blue skies. From within the chaos of dancing shadows, a white robed figure rose majestically. Like legendary phoenix, the mysterious figure seemed to rise from the ashes of its talent less entrance. It did not bother to brush off the small bits and pieces of once sound roof.

"Luci. Kakashi."

The figure breathed heavily, clutching long fingers into a desperate fist.

"Por que?!"

Both hands flew up in a moment of fury and drama. The dust refused to settle, but twirled in the tense moment followed by the outcry. Nervous heart beat faster and faster, like a bird trapped within a golden cage. Eyes feverishly searched for an explanation as the thin lips trembled with waves of agony. Yet the silence, a beastly creature, seemed to enjoy its own presence. Painfully, it hit against the white robed man's ears.

"Jesus…"

"No. Luci, how could you? How _could_ you?"

A man of average height stepped out of the shadows. There was something rather arrogant in his step and manner. Crimson eyes hungrily took in the other's misfortune. A smirk passed over the handsome features of the man. Jesus looked away for a moment, breathing heavily from the onset of tears. Then, feeling air return to his lungs, he thrust his accusing stare at the crimson-eyed man. Except for a smirk, not a muscle moved on the perfect face of the prince of darkness.

"Grow up. I'm with Kakashi now."

"Oh damn, how could you, Luci? I did everything for you. I… I … I even let you re-elect Bush …"

His words trailed off in a painful break. Daddy was right, Jesus thought as he moved his eyes to rest upon another. Daddy was always right.

"Jesus. You're just not what I'm looking for. Ya know?"

"What does _he_ have that _I_ don't?"

"Well, for once..."

The vicious young man didn't finish his sentence for it was politely interrupted by clearing of a throat. This tactful move was done by the third person present in the room. Rather tall man gallantly strode into the circle of confrontation. Nonchalantly, he stopped near the Prince of Darkness.

"There is no need to tell him what I have and he doesn't. Right, Luci?"

"Yes, Kakashi."

"Now. You're Jesus? Nice to meet you," the silver headed man said in a casual manner with a pleasant smile hidden behind his mask. Yet, for all the pleasantries, he did not offer his hand to Jesus.

"I apologies for his behavior. You see we were on a break and…"

Kakashi's voice trailed off in the silence. He pointed at the dark haired male in an apologetic manner as though he was the explanation for all of the confusion.

"So I was just a rebound man?"

"I believe that is the correct term," Kakashi said with another pleasant smile.

Jesus turned away, face twisted with agony. He was maddened with rage, positively ready to strangle the tall sexy man. Tears blurred the holy son's eyes. Devastated by it all, he wished to disappear into nothingness just like his trust in love and all that was good.

"Jesus, we can still be friends though right?" the malevolent fallen angel said, gently reaching out to the other. His face was as though made of porcelain. The crimsoned eyes spoke of nothing, nor did the lips. Words empty of meaning fell dully to the ground and melted into eternity of men's memory.

"I'm sorry I disturbed both of you. Now, I will take my leave."

With these words the holy son disappeared, leaving behind a pile of broken beams and dust.

"Queer fellow he is," said Kakashi as he stared at the hole in the ceiling.

The other shrugged.

"This happens at least once in a millennia. Now… where were we? "

But little did the two know that the one that left them alone had a seed of vengeance planted deep within his heart… beware of the fruits such a thing shall bear. 


	5. Three Hour Ninja Course Training

Alright this is one of the **BEST** chapters you'll get out of me or Dogma. Why? Because not only does it have few very good lessons that any bad fanfiction writer has to learn like how to make the **WORST **possible made-ups...but also a lot of imagination and sweat and hard work. It has beauty, poetry, and just right amount of the good old fashion perversions to make you giggle. Don't believe me? Then read on. Read on.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. They took it all away.

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**Chapter 5 Three Hour Ninja Course Training**

He learned… he triumphed… he conquered… he went to a bar.

He was all you could ask for in a student. He mastered Jutsus far above his level; his accuracy with a weapon was dead on, a regular pro at hand-to-hand combat. And who is this impressively talented young man, you might ask?

No, it wasn't Edward Elric, the Full Metal Alchemist. So let's abandon this genius and come back to the blond.

At first it was awkward for him, to be enrolled in the Three Hour Ninja Course Training Program, for he was the only student. But, ten minutes into the course, another young man joined him. He introduced himself as Uzumaki Naruto, rather loudly and annoying right into Edward's ear along with his dreams and hopes to become this 'Hokage' and he repeatedly said, "Believe it!" for no reason…

"Curse you Cartoon Network," Edward murmured as he watched the orange 'ball of energy' jump up and down like a complete idiot. And it was evident in the first thirty seconds of their meeting each other that one was weary of the other.

After all, he couldn't make the ends of the other's name nor pronounce it. And for that matter everyone in this strange land had freaky names. _Everyone_. Edward was debating with himself, should he call him Uzumaki or Naruto?

And besides the name thing, this character looked surprising a lot like himself, same height, same hair, same need for attention and lack of attention span.

Freaky man… And he was saying freaky a lot. Like freaky more than usual a lot freaky.

Freak.

But as soon as Edward got over the creepy part and the…name thing and the freaky, he realized what a great guy this Uzumaki, no sorry, Naruto was.

Together they conquered the lessons of how to become a ninja. Step by step, they overflowed their minds and bodies with knowledge preserved over the centuries of existence of the village.

But there were some problems, especially with the target practice. After all, no one is absolutely perfect.

As hard as he might, the only thing that Edward could hit with his kunai knife was his sensei's head,which wasn't too bad of a thing since the sensei rarely showed up in person and had freaky powers to fix his face…

And speaking of the sensei! What a mysterious character he was. Most of the time the strange goons that claimed to be the 'Sound Ninjas' came to give Naruto and Edward their task scrolls instead of their heckling sensei. Personally, that was the only _thing_ (It was hard to call their teacher a person) that kept Edward and Naruto in the course even though it was tremendously hard, the fact that their teacher was freaking scary.

They were scared of the sensei more than another tax cut for the rich, or oil dependency, or global warming, or SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES in really bad cross over stories, like that the _great _and _all powerful _narrator really hates the Bush administration.

No, this teacher was the meaning of creepy. If you went to the dictionary to look up 'he scares the shit out of me' you would see their sensei's grinning face hidden in the long locks of raven hue.

But anyway, the course was coming to an end. To be exact there was only one minute left before Edward and Naruto were to be presented an 'official' document of completion and a photo frame with the words "I", "am", "a", "super", "duber", and "ninja" printed boldly on it in bright orange letters.

Both youths savored sweet fruits of their successes, excitingly talking to one another of their many won battles against stuffed dummies and paper targets. They were so excited that they didn't hear the soft pitter patter of another's footsteps. But when they finally did notice, it was far too late.

Behind them loomed a rather tall darkly clad figure. Eyes, snakelike in nature, seemed to penetrate to the very soul, through bone and muscle like an X-ray. A careless mocking sneer shone upon thin lips. The only thought that passed through Edward's mind (beside that of complete horror) was: 'Where does he buy that eye shadow? It's positively luscious in color.' While Naruto was thinking more on the lines of :'Holy shit! Believe it!'

As these and many other thoughts passed through the minds of the youth, their teacher placed both hands upon the shoulder of each boy. He looked them closely in the eye with the same penetrating predatory stare that they were so accustomed to.

_"Well done. Before you girls graduate I have one last assignment for you." _

"What is it Orichomaru sensei?" Edward asked still wondering about the shadow meekly, but now also about the earrings. You can't get those babies just anywhere.

_"I need you to go into a bar and stay there until closing time."_

"WHAT?" Naruto blurred out a vein popping on the side of his temple from intensity of his temper.

Orichomaru looked at the boy, giving him a cold down stare. He lowered his face until he was on the same level as the boy's angry features. The sensei whispered softly into Naruto's ear, delicate hissing barely heard by Edward. Yet, it was quite obvious what the teacher was saying from Naruto's face. From anger it quickly melted into disgust, then devilish expression of mischief, then disgust, then something bordering on ecstatic pleasure, then back to disgust until finally ending up with ecstatic pleasure.

What? A teacher needs to have his fun too…

The sensei withdrew, his hands sliding from the shoulders of his students.

_"Now, this is an exercise to test your gut, and mind. If you'll be able to stay the whole time, then you are worthy to be ninjas. But…" _

Orochimaru… I mean Orichomaru smiled, his features transformed into those more of a heartless reptile. _"If you are so much as thrown out of the strip bar even a minute before closing time, you can kiss your photo frames and asses good-bye. Bwahahahaha" _

_"Oh, ekhm, and get me an autograph of one of the employees…" _

With that much said the sexy beast vanished in a puff of smoke. Yet the laughter echoed in the minds of his students as they looked at one another in comprehensible fear. How will they ever _get into _a strip bar? They weren't old enough and besides…puberty skipped the both of them.

Even though Naruto and Edward were hard hit with lack of experience and talent and puberty, they did not despair for long. After performing some satanistic rituals to honor the great and all power Narrator, the youths ventured into the Down Town of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, Konohagakure. They both deduced that there were bound to be at least _some_ strip clubs there.

And boy, were they right!

There were too many to choose from. Each one looked more inviting than the other. Edward and Naruto could not agree on the place. Everyone had their taste in showmanship.

But as soon as they spotted the famous "Hounds of Hell" strip bar, they knew they hit the right target. The doors were loosely shut for the people were constantly coming in and out. Music escaped into the street, making the hearts of the young boys beat faster. Yep, this sure was the place.

Naruto turned to face Edward, features drawn with worry. "Whatever happens in there, you are the best friend…beside Iruka sensei, that I ever had. Believe it!"

"Ah, don't worry." Edward replied patting the other's shoulder. "I've got your back."

And so with these finale touching words, the youths slid into the darkness of the infamous slash strip bar.

* * *

"Okay gentlemen, from the top." 

"And… dip, swerve, and tuck."

"Dip, swerve and tuck."

"Kick, kick."

"Now a 360."

"Yes, very good."

"And one – two - three."

"One – two - three."

"Move your hips a little more gentlemen!"

The men did as they were told. After a few more minutes of practice and stretching, the crowd began to gather behind the curtain.

"Now boys, don't forget what I taught you," said a woman with boyishly short brown hair.

"Yes, Mistress Haru," they said in unison.

* * *

Meanwhile, Naruto and Edward were blending in. They had already ordered their drinks and with only a few sips were sufficiently intoxicated as they moved closer to the stage. There were some shady characters here and there. Edward began wondering if they made the right choice. To the right of them sat a rather young man, wearing a black cape decorated with red clouds. Barely able to see his face, Edward could make out the odd facial markings, making him look much like an old man. 

The show began. The man looked like he was having a good time. Maybe they did make the right choice after all.

"Come over here…" beckoned the man to one of the dancers.

"Oh – My – God… it's Sasuke!" Naruto whispered excitedly to Edward.

"Who?"

The two silently watched with dumb founded expressions as a young dark haired boy wearing light pink garments crawled to the man, allowing him to tuck money into his thong. Edward, figuring the dancer was Sasuke, watched as he got back up and started to swing about on one of the poles like a regular monkey at the zoo.

'Wow, this guy's good.'

Edward took another sip from his cup before asking for another refill.

"Sasuke! What are you doing here?"

Naruto jumped up from his seat jabbing his finger at the dancer.

"Naruto?!"

He panicked at the same time eyeing more money being offered by the caped man.

"I'm taking my break early, Haru!"

"Five minutes!"

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Sasuke hollered turning back to Naruto.

Naruto had dragged Sasuke off the stage and into one of the Red rooms, demanding an explanation for him serving in a slash bar.

Edward idly sat on the one side of the enormous bed the three were sharing. Taking another sip from his cup, his glanced over at a lava lamp, watching the hot pink and red forms inside.

"I work part time here," Sasuke muttered bitterly, eyeing Naruto with absolute hate for picking _his_ bar to party at.

"What?"

"So, who's _he_?" Sasuke said, changing the subject, nodding his head at an absent minded Edward.

"Oh, his name's Edward. Edward Elric. He's in my training class course..." Naruto said, proud to have a person like Ed to work with. The two had a friendship almost as tender as the bond Ed shared with his brother. And with Edward being the elder by a few years, he felt the sort of elder brother kinship with the younger blond. Naruto, never having any family and little kindness from others in his village, warmed up to Ed. Best of friends, and almost the best of brothers.

'It's a shame Al isn't here,' Ed thought to himself as the other two conversed. 'I miss him…'

* * *

Meanwhile in the back of the bar, in the darkest shadows two red eyes sparked with malign delight. Yes, he was getting richer as lust did its lofty work in this village. Mother was right after all. 

"Damien-kun?" came the voice of his dancers' mistress, Haru, as a door opened. Smell of decaying flesh was thick in the air, as the young girl of seventeen long summers walked into the gloomy space.

"Yes?" A voice came from the depth of the shadows. Crimson eyes narrowed, until they were but slits that mirrored hell itself. Fingers methodically stroked the rugged fur of the un-dead pet.

"Why are you sitting in the dark?"

"'Cause I like it in the dark…"

"You're such a freak."

"Attack…" he whispered into the ear of a vicious decaying mutt.

A lone scream bounced off the walls of the darkest room of the famous strip bar.


	6. A Gift Made in Vegas

Filler chapter. More randomness. I'm terribly sorry, Kakashi fans, for being so cruel to that smexy cartoon character. I can't help it. I honestly can't.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto...or the Bible.

* * *

**Chapter 6 The Gift Made in Vegas…**

It was nearing closing time and only the janitors remained in the main room of a large building. From a distance one could hear the swishing of mops against the dirty floor, the squeak of polish, scuffling footsteps, and murmurs.

A sad smile played upon a face with delicate features, and yet no one saw it. White bandages hid his thin lips and the sharp point of his nose. Long fingers cradled a full cup of delicious, warm sake. He looked upon it with distaste for it reflected the hue of his own iris. Red as the blood.

He wasn't sad. He wasn't depressed beyond the point of listening neither to My Chemical Romance nor complaining that chicks always dumped him because he's the spawn of Satan. It was more of a deep-set dread that ate away at his insides as he bluntly stared into the depth of the cup.

"Damien-kun."

He lifted his head up, turning to the right.

"I'm sorry my dogs attacked you again," he simply answered in a slow melancholy manner.

"Oh, that's alright. You know, things happen between people," Haru spoke calmly.

She reached next to Damien, patting her recently bandaged hand on the head of what looked like the rotting corpse of a Doberman.

"I guess so…" he said with an inconspicuous shrug.

"Is something wrong? You usually never apologize when your hell hounds try to rip me apart when I have to feed them," Haru said as she pulled up a chair next to the owner of the 'Hounds of Hell.' (Smooth name, eh?)

"Is something on your mind, Damien-kun? " she asked with obvious curiosity, fondling the Doberman's one remaining ear.

"You know…" he paused thinking of better words to express the reason for his sadness,

"Family problems."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah…" Damien turned away from her, throwing his gaze into the depth of the sake.

His hold tightened as he thought bitterly of the unfortunate event that happened five month, three weeks, two days, and nine hours ago. The day he met his dad for the first time...

_Five month, three weeks, two days, and nine hours ago … _

Kakashi sat at the dinner table, reading his favorite series of extremely foul in content romance novels, Itcha Itcha Paradise. Something about their explicit content and adult nature of the situations always made him grin under his masks and so much more…But let's not go into the details on THAT particular subject. Let's just say he was all-together 'engulfed' in the plotline, not a thought about his troublesome students. So, in other words he was very much… 'happy'.

"Kakashi, darling."

"What is it Luci?" Kakashi asked, not taking his eyes off the printed words.

Luci, that devilishly good-looking raven-haired prince of darkness, moved closer to the copy-ninja. Handsome, yet cruel, features were drawn with worry.

"Ummm, remember that night in Las Vegas?"

"Honey, what happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas," Kakashi answered, gingerly placing his book down on the table. It was never a good sign when a commercial jingle was spoken out loud as a response to a direct question. The copy-nin was curious as to the matter of the worry that lingered in the eyes of his love. Because of course, he deeply cared for the embodiment of the evils of all the mortal worlds. (Iruka who?)

"Well… this one sort of followed us."

"What are you talking about?"

Suddenly, behind Luci a door opened dramatically, swinging the full 180 degrees. In the doorway, stood a tall young man of about eighteen years, perhaps a little more. One could never tell with shadows so conveniently hiding most of his features. But what Kakashi could see was the bandaged lower half of a face reminding him of someone. But who?

Simple cloth adorned that boy. Upon one of his shoulders was some sort of medieval shoulder plate. His arms and legs bandaged off, he wore a simple blue shirt and black shorts. This mysterious young man was most definitely a ninja, Kakashi concluded, because he was wearing the fashionable blue ninja sandals and a plate hung loosely from his belt. But, to his surprise the plate/forehead protector was blank. Kakashi, being a man of free nature, wondered what the plate was designed to protect down there… near the belt area. The tall young man stepped out of the shadows.

"Holy shit! It's me!" Kakashi screamed as he toppled over in his chair in shock, hitting his head against the fashionable oak floors Lucifer installed a week ago instead of seventy's psycodalic carpet.

_Some time passed…_

"I told you this was a bad idea," said accusingly the Kakashi look-a-like.

Luci whipped his head around to the youth.

"What? I'm the one who has to clean up the blood," the Lord of Darkness spoke with a cruel grin playing on his thin lips.

Kakashi staggered up from over the chair, cursing at Luci's ridiculous taste in home décor.

"You know, seventies are not coming back," he commented, after shaking his head to make the pretty bunnies and unicorns fade away.

"Disco shall live on!"

"You're hopeless…" Kakashi murmured. He walked over to the mysterious stranger who looked exactly like him…well, except for the red eyes and the uber emo hairstyle.

"Oh my God - Luci, did you clone me again?" he asked looking bewilderedly at his carbon copy.

"No... See, that's the thing…Kakashi, I want you to meet your son. Damien."

"WHAT?! He's ours?! I'm gay! Two guys can't just -"

"Well actually, you're bi, sweet heart. But, let's not go into the details okay? Call it a miracle of life."

"…Or a really bad made-up," Damien murmured, rolling his eyes.

"But… but… but... Luci, you're a man! How did you… you know?" Kakashi persisted, rubbing his head gingerly. This better be the aftermath of reading too much of his little orange book.

"OK, Kakashi. Male pregnancy. Are you happy now?"

"Mom, are you PMSing?" nonchalant son of Kakashi/spawn of Satan asked.

"Damien, stay out of this conversation."

"But mom…" he whined back.

"Wait. Both of you stop. Let's clear this up. You mean that I had a son for eighteen years and you're telling me this NOW?"

"I didn't know how to bring it up," Luci retorted.

"For _eighteen _fucking years?"

"Honey! Don't curse in front of Damien."

"…"

"So, he's my dad?" Damien murmured looking at the man, bleeding severely from the head. Damnation to all Republicans, I would have to clean that up, the Spawn of Satan thought.

"I always thought it was Dick Cheney."

"What?!"

"Well, he's been sending all the child support checks to us and then there's the gray hair and hate of justice and everything good…"

"Damien, darling please. Let's not ruin this happy moment."

Luci clapped his hands together and sighed happily.

"We're finally going to be a real family!"

"I hate you all. Someday, I'll be able to get enough support to over throw you, Mother. I shall break every bone in your body, skin you alive, feed your exposed flesh to every vermin of hell so that your guts will rot in the empty shell of your body, until you would beg for me to kill you. And then I shall bring eternal suffering to the mortals of every world. All shall tremble before me for I shall be the Lord of the Underworld!"

"Ahhh…" Kakashi cooed. "…He has your eyes, Luci."

* * *

_Meanwhile in Heaven…_

"Luci has a son?!" Jesus yelled throwing down a recently published Naruto / FMA crossover doushinji.

"And from a comic book character no less?! I cannot allow this. But… I can't do this alone. I need help of another fictional character… someone ruthless, evil, and envious of others… someone I brought to life recently. Hmmm.."

The holy son sighed desperately before falling back on to his bed, rolling over to finger the lace on his pink pillows.

"What am I going to do?"

'Hmm, how about that guy? Eh, what's his face? Br..Zo…Pepito? ENVY! Yes, it was definitely Envy,' he thought, rubbing his hands together with malicious smile spreading over his usually tranquil features.

"Kakashi, you will regret the day you became sexy! Yes you will."

Jesus hopped off his bed and dashed to the phone. Picking it up and holding it to his ear, he tried to remember Envy's cell phone number. But no luck!

"Daddy!"

"What is it my holy son?"

"Do you know where the phone book is?"

"Ask Gabriel when he comes back from the night shift for he has it, my son."

"Thanks!"


	7. I’m getting better at writing this

Lucky you, I have no insights today. But I do have this to say. Pay attention to this Chapter, Goddamnit! That way later on you won't saying, "But imitation, your story makes no sense." I know it doesn't. So just shut up and read.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto OR FullMetal.

* * *

**Chapter 7 I'm getting better at writing this**

A lone gust of wind carried through the labyrinth of an elaborate city.

Who was it looking for? As a matter of fact, no one in particular.

It weaved around buildings, hugging tightly the corners, playing with the locks of unsuspecting passersby's hair. Like a child, the wind pranced around searching for something to delight itself.

And what luck!

There, it chanced upon two blond youths sitting on a bench outside of a suspicious looking bar, licking icy treats as they chatted excitedly. The wind settled beside the shorter of the two blonds. Gingerly, so as to not spook them, it listened to their ecstatic conversation.

"Yeah, believe it! I had a mission so much more dangerous than this!" the short blond exclaimed ,leaning back against the bench. His gaze defiantly was thrown in the direction of his companion, who was wide eyed with interest.

"This was the most excitement I got in a long time. Usually my adventures have some sort of deep moral meaning…" Edward murmured looking at his friend taking another lick of his ice cream.

This strange land had so much to give Edward. First of all, there was sexily creepy teacher, then the visit to a slash bar, and now a good story over ice cream. The only thing that was missing was his brother. But at the present moment, Edward wasn't too concerned with the fate of his beloved tincan. Al was quite capable of taking care of himself. Ed knew his brother was well… where ever he was.

"- So you see, me, that guy that you saw in the strip bar, Sasuke, and Sakura-chun had a mission to escort a drunk to Land of Waves about…. five month, three weeks, two days ago."

"Aha."

"Yeah, so… there we got attacked by Zabuza and his gender confused minion." Naruto then rubbed his chin in thought. "I think his name was Haku…Man, was it a close call or what. We almost died!"

"C'mon , Naruto, don't hold anything back! Tell me more," Edward pleaded the younger boy tugging on the orange sleeve impatiently

"Fine. Fine. I'll tell you everything… using this uber neat flash-back provided by our sponsors who don't want to be named directly but would like us to use subliminal message like 'Buy more Budweiser or they'll kill me in the next 24 hours."

* * *

_Uber Neat-o Flash Back now in TECHNI**COLOR**_

The sun shone in a lazy haze through the leaves of the forest, sprinkling the forest floor with spots of brightness and those of utter darkness. In the distance, a bird chirped of the coming day.

A lone figure moved among the ancient massive oaks. Sly as a cat, the shadow danced and skipped with merriness in each step. Pink cloth of the kimono peaked here and there, a gentle wind gracing its prance.

"_Where are you going?"_ it whispered in a sin-song voice into the ear of frolicking shadow, picking up locks of luscious raven hair.

The maiden brushed the wind aside, eyes penetrating the forest's gloom. A slight smile caressed the gentle lips.

_"What are you looking for?"_ it whispered with the leaves above, with grasses below.

The sly shadow broke into a sudden run, calling for the wind to follow with a wave of hand. A laugh escaped pure lips of maiden as the wandering spirit took its place at her side.

_"Where?"_ it pleadingly asked once more.

"_Here_," The maiden answered stepping to pick a flower at the foot of a giant tree.

"_And there_," she spoke again. The wind overjoyed by such lovely gentle voice carried it upon its broad back. The maiden laughed for the morning was sweet and warm. The flowers bloomed and birds sang. And even in the damp gloom, the forest welcomed pretty maiden, its branches reaching out to embrace her. There was peace at heart even though times of trouble were approaching…

"_What fun_!" she whispered to the wind, placing tussocks of herbs gingerly into the weaved basket.

_"What fun."_ the wandering spirit echoed, patting the young creature.

_"But oh… what's this?" _

_"A boy,"_ the wind cooed caressing the maiden's cheek.

_"But in the middle of the forest? Perhaps he's sick or injured or…"_ the pretty voice broke.

She peered from behind the forest giant upon the unconscious form of the boy, worry lingering in the depth of god like brown eyes.

"No... he is asleep," the wind murmured with the leaves overhead, entwined in the branches.

_"Asleep…" _

"_Yes_."

Gingerly she stepped upon the rich grasses of the open meadow. Her sandals pressed the long blades down as she cautiously crept toward the sleeping boy.

The unconscious blonde's forehead protector gleamed brightly in the sunlight. There was peace in his face. There was innocence and a bit of idiocy. It intrigued the lurking shadow and yet… the maiden frowned at the sight of a leaf symbol carved in the center of the forehead protector.

She reached ever slowly, her hands aiming for his neck. Her fingers curled and eyes widened in anticipation of the inevitable.

"Wake up."

Naruto felt a slight hand gently shaking him.

"Wake up. You'll get raped if you sleep in a place like this."

"WHAT?!"

"I said you'll catch a cold here if you sleep in a place like this."

Blinking rapidly, he gave a questionable look to the person speaking – a girl. A very pretty girl at that. Naruto rubbed his eyes in effort to shake off his drowsiness. This must be some sort of a dream!

"Who….who are you?"

This was his first greeting with the girl. She didn't hesitate in answer. She gave him her name. Haku. It was a pretty name…although puzzling because it would better suit a boy. She laughed good-naturedly when he pointed that out. He's not a complete idiot after all, thought the maiden with a sly look at the blond grinning boy.

After few pleasantries, she suddenly realized that her basket wasn't full yet and the time was slipping away through her pretty fingers. Naruto volunteered to help her.

"Thanks for helping out," the young maiden said, graciously taking the plants Naruto had gathered.

"You sure work early, lady." Naruto replied as he searched for more woodland herbs. "You sure these are medicinal plants?"

"Of course they are. Oh and you work early too. What were you doing sleeping outside like that?"

"Training!"

The maiden jumped, a little surprised.

"Training? That forehead protector… You're ninja?"

"Yeah! I am a ninja! Believe it!"

The maiden flinched.

"Uhhh… wow. Umm… why are you training?"

"Because I wanna get stronger!"

"But, you look so manly already…"

"No! I have to get stronger!"

The maiden's eyes narrowed slightly.

"Why…?"

"So I can be the best ninja in my village! That way people will have to acknowledge my strength!"

"Oh." The maiden said, tucking away a stray hair behind her ear flirtatiously.

"Naruto-kun… did you ever make love to a man before?"

"WHAT?"

"I said, do you have someone important to you?"

Naruto was confused by this girl, he was sure she said something entirely different. That and, what was she trying to get to?

"Ah… I don't know."

She sighed a bit, looking down at her basket.

Memories of a sad past began to flash through her mind, in the cold, alone, hungry. Then, she saw someone, who looked her way…

Her eyes lifted upwards to meet those of pure sapphire. She smiled.

"What?" Naruto asked, arching an eyebrow.

"When you have someone important to you, Naruto-kun… Only then can you truly become strong."

Naruto gazed upon her in surprise. Kakashi-sensei, Iruka-sensei…

Grinning wickedly, Naruto nodded. "I understand."_

* * *

_

_End Flash Back_

"Wow. So what happened after that?"

"Well, I found out that that was a guy! I was so embarrassed. I mean, he was seriously hotter than Sakura. And I was…"

"Who?"

"Never mind. We had major battle. Haku and Zabuza died."

"That's sad…"

"Yeah. But I could never shake off the feeling that when we buried Haku there was something different about him."

"Like what?"

"Well…he was wearing a black tank top and a skirt when we put him in the coffin. But he died in green skirt."

"Did you say black tank top and skirt?" Edward asked, eyes clouded with memory. Where has he seen this strange choice of cloth for a male before? It lingered somewhere in the back, like a phantom. The blond youth could not place the exact person, but the sense of foreboding and dread over took him. His companion didn't seem to notice the glazed look of the hazel golden eyes. His own crystal clear sapphire orbs were turned to the heavens above.

"I always suspected that Kakashi sensei just messed around with the body," Naruto said wiggling his eyebrows in a meaningful manner.

"I wonder…" he murmured, hands nervously crushing the wrapper of his ice-cream. "Yes, I wonder what really happened, Naruto."

* * *

_WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED_!

A hand slipped through the insides effortlessly ripping the thin tissues. The chakra outburst came to a surcease as the odd colored eyes focused on the tranquil face of a young boy. That fatal blow was meant for Zabuza and Zabuza solely. But now… Kakashi felt trembles of regret travel down the arm. Tiny trickles of blood traveled over his clutched fingers. He could still feel the echo of a beating heart as it sent powerful vibrations through the slim form. Horrified by the intricate works of another's body, Kakashi pulled his hand free. A twitch of pain came over the tranquil features of the ebony haired youth. Crimson tide hit against the inside of the mouth. He couldn't hold it down for long. It burst through his pure lips and out into the world to horrify his murderer. Kakashi, confused and unsure, looked upon this as though he wasn't there. He was somewhere else and this hand… this sinful hand was not his. The chakra that tore at the growing tissues didn't belong to him. It was someone else's. But, it was the boy's choice. He came between Kakashi's vengeful fist and Zabuza's failing body. Just that simple.

"Haku…" was all that the boy heard. The rest was lost in the sea of thoughts that flooded his fading mind. Yes, he was Haku once and now he'll be someone else. He'll be the trees and the flowers. He will be the wind that used to run by his side. He would be part of the world that rejected him as a child for his blood was not pure. And now this same crimson, the reason for the many many troubles that gnawed at him, was running down his chin and neck and chest. The lips parted in final attempt to breath the air of this world. In the midst of the oncoming shadows and confused thoughts, there was a thrust and he was falling down. Down to the hard earth in which he'll be buried soon.

He closed his eyes, for it was better this way. This way the darkness made the fall an eternity. To think… he had expected this end. It was bound to happen. Somewhere, beyond the haze and pain Zabuza's voice rang strong and true. He fought for the other's dream and now he will die for it. Perhaps there was a ping of regret that took his momentary attention. He was too young to die. He had other things to live for. To hell with Zabuza! To hell with all of them… and Naruto. To hell with him too! Haku gasped again, blood spurring from the parted lips. The ground was cold, colder than the touch of death. It was so cold that even the open wound and pulsating blood could not warm it up. He felt his guts knot up with pain. Soon, yes soon, it will all end the way it began. In pain. Emptiness was approaching from all sides. Haku thought it proper that during his last moments he should forgive. Yes, it was proper to forgive his father and mother, the world and the country, to forgive Zabuza for using him as a tool, forgiving Naruto for being an imbecile, and forgiving Sasuke for pushing him to the outer rims of his kindness but… but Haku could not bring himself to forgive his murderer. His heart could not cease the quiver of hate, the knotting of the insides, the pain that shot to his head as thinking became a burden. Never. Be God my witness that if I ever live again the man who's hand bathed in my blood shall die! Shall die…

He coughed again, but weaker hopeless. The sleek mechanism of his body was slowly coming to a surcease. The youth opened his eyes, tranquil orbs scanning the eternal blue. A smile caressed the gentle features. Now with all of that done, he might as well go in peace before… a palm tree would pop in front of his face. What? This must be a hallucination. But why would he be seeing a palm tree during his last moments of life? And it was a strangely clad tree at that. Who wears a black tank top this time of the year? It's distasteful. Haku summoned the last of his will to mouth, "Who dressed you this morning?"

The palm tree scrawled at him, pointing a finger in his face. He wasn't sure, but it looked like the middle one. Figures, palm trees never had good manners.

"_What the hell are you doing? Let's just take him before someone sees us_," Haku faintly heard someone hiss. Alas, he could not see this other man because his field of vision was becoming limited with the approaching death and all.

"You're such a nag. Fine. You take him. I have to stay," the palm tree shot back, angrily tilting its face to face the other speaker to the side of Haku

"_And what will you be doing_?"

"Only this," the tree grinned devilishly. Before Haku knew it, he was starring into the mirror. In front of him was he… with the blood sputtered all over the face and hopeless look in the deep hazel eyes. Fascinating, the youth thought. It didn't use hand signs or anything. But before, the dieing young man could ponder upon the subject; two strong hands circled his torso and gingerly lifted him up. His head rolled to the side without any resistance. In the fleeting moment of this action, Haku caught a glimpse of a grinning face with a gentle sloping jaw and a pair of snake-like eyes. The youth didn't protest against this change. He had no strength to argue with the hallucinated palm tree nor the man against whose chest he was pressed.

"Take him away now."

"_You sure you'll be alright_?"

"This isn't the first time I was buried alive. Who do you think inspired the second KillBill. Hmm?"

"_Fine. But I hope I'll be able to heal that wound. Looks deep_."

"You better… we need this kid."

Haku closed his eyes. This was a strange way to end life, listening to a conversation of a tasteless palm tree and the snake-eyed man. The grip tightened as the hands shifted to support the lolling head and the punctured stomach. Haku could still catch bits of Naruto's voice and Zabuza's shrieks, but alas all of that seemed otherworldly. He was ignorant to that fact that he was about to enter another life.


	8. Dinner with Satan

This one turned out pretty fast, like right on the deadline fast.And if you're wondering WHY it turned out so fast, long ,and AWESOME, I'll tell you.. dogma finally got over laziness phase! Yay!

But before you read this masterpiece of comic word, I'd like to give special thanks to our friend, Shippo. Without her spunky character Hatsu and many new-age ideas this chapter would have been another mediocre some-what funny addition instead of the fountain of never-ending laugher that it is. Thank you so much and Happy B-day, you old fart!

Oh and keep on reviewing. Your flames and praises keep me and this story alive...somewhat.

* * *

**Chapter 8 Dinner with Satan**

_Dear Diary, _

_Something totally weird happened to me today! And when I say totally weird I mean like that one Itachi-guy weird… maybe even weirder. _

_Anyways, here's what happened. _

_I was working at the bar. It was midday and we didn't have any costumers… well, besides Itachi wandering in asking when the show begins and taking a shot. (What a creep. I think he has something for Sasuke, but I wouldn't know. I don't WANT to know. After working at the slash bar for two years I've learned to keep my business to myself. I don't even remember how many weird guys came through those doors. )_

_And that reminds me. Just last week I had to serve drinks to two puberty-hard hit boys. You know, it was a pity party. _

_So, I was wiping the counter, thinking about how after this I would have to go to my second job and stand on the street to promote "Three Hour Ninja Courses". And that got me thinking about Kakashi. He hasn't shown up in like… __five month, three weeks, two days, and nine hours. But who's counting every second? _

_Ok, I admit I'm a tiny bit curious about that. I was especially curious about my boss, Damien. Lately, he's been this nervous rack and I feel REALLY sorry for Haru-san. I mean she's the one who has to feed those damn dogs. She had been bandaged more times than Michael Jackson had corrective surgeries. And that's saying something, you know? _

_Anyways, so I was wiping the counter and Haru was practicing with the boys, (She's SO bossy with them, I swear! As much of the airhead she is, half of those poor boys run out of the bar crying before the end of the practice. She's has high standards, what can I say. Even Sasukitty - I mean, Sasuke ran out again because Haru called him fat- You know she's actually right. He HAS been putting on some pounds.) When Damien walked in. _

_Usually he doesn't show up until the darkness descends upon humanity to destroy us ALL. You know, around three in the morning? I was so surprised! I mean, if he's actually in the daylight it means bad stuff was about to go down. And damn was I right! He used his usual greeting/call "Holler to my biatches." He's been seeing those pimp movies, so he thought he could make us into his whores. _

_Why do I still work there? Oh, yeah. Damn you high rent._

_Haru and I came running. Damien told us to come into his office, something about 'important' things to discuss with us. Personally, I had a feeling that this was another pay cut. (I swear, he's so cheap!)_

_As soon as the door of his office closed, Damien just broke. He started crying like Britney Spears after she found out she married a complete idiot. He fell to his knees, grabbing our hands, begging us-BEGGING US… to come with him to a dinner…to meet his parents. Now, I usually have a policy regarding co-worker relationships. There is a limit of how far my boss can go and going to meet his parents WAS my limit… I'm not sure about Haru. I think the offer of free food got her._

_I was like, "Hell, no! I ain't going to no hell as your girlfriend." _

_And he was like, "But, Hatsu I have to prove to my mom that I'm straight. Every parent wants to know they're sons are straight." (Haru: "You're gay?")_

_And I was like, "No way. This is where I draw the line. I'm NOT. I repeat myself I'm NOT going to dinner as your girlfriend to prove to your mom that you're straight."_

_So I was getting ready to go to dinner with Damien and Haru to prove to his mom that he was straight when I realized that I was totally opposed to it. It sucks when your boss has ultimate power of the underworld. I was about to jump out of the window to save myself from torture of meeting Damien's family because Lord knows what kind of freaks raised THIS spawn of Satan. But I wasn't fast enough. Goddamn Haru caught me midway. _

_Now, I'm sitting in back of the car, while she's playing a game called "DEER!!!" Apparently, the object of the game is to shout "DEER!!!" into Damien's ear when you spot one. I should go now. Damien's eye is twitching and I've just discovered the wine coolers. _

_Thank Jesus. (Jesus: You're welcome!)_**

* * *

**

**"DEER!!!"**

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

**"DEER!!!"**

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

**"DEER!!!"**

"Are we-"

"For the last time, NO, Hatsu. Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to drive from Kohona to Texas?"

"I thought we were going to hell," said Haru, not removing her eyes from the window.

"Hello, same place," Damien murmured, rolling his eyes to add to the irritation.

"That would explain a lot," Hatsu mused taking a beer from the refrigerator of the car.

The forestry territory of Kohana began slowly to disappear, leaving Haru to abandon her "DEER!!!" game and to sit quietly. It was hard to think of what to say or how to comment about this peculiar event. After all, it wasn't often that a mortal had a chance to visit hell without assurance of permanent residency.

"Sooooo…..How are gas prices down there?" Haru interjected as she turned around to watch in fascination as Hatsu downed another can.

"Gas? Silly mortal, our underworld technology is far beyond internal combustion. Our cars run on tears of little children who lost their puppies. It's a limitless resource."

"That's all very well, but is it environmentally safe?" Hatsu suddenly jumped into the conversation, conveniently at the same times drawing attention of the spawn of Satan and her co-worker away from the growing pile of cans that she threw out of the open window.

"Um, sure. At least the environmentalists haven't gotten past the rabid dogs, fields of fire, a Kraken, and our ultimate defense," Damien paused dramatically. "A recording of an inauguration speech of Bush Junior. It's impossible to survive! Muhahahaha."

"Well, I don't know. Eventually someone will be able to figure out antidote for stupidity and your last line of defense will be rendered useless."

Hatsu glanced over to Haru who was crushing Hatsu's empty cans out of sheer boredom.

"Oh, Hatsu, you're so optimistic when you get your blood alcohol level over 0.2," Haru dully noted, crushing another can.

"Big words. I thought that I'd die of alcohol poisoning by now."

"Aunt Death comes only once a month," said Damien, suddenly excited about the conversation at the mention of his favorite relative.

"No, that's Aunt Flow." Hatsu stated.

"What's the difference?"

"Good point. Good point."

"I haven't seen my Aunt Flow in two years…" Haru added.

Silence settled among the passengers and the driver of the car heading for the center of hell. Hatsu, unable to control her urge to commit suicide in order of escape a terrible evening in the underworld or to at least set a record for the most beers of cans emptied into her abyss of a throat in less than six hours, was steadily but surely increasing her BAC.

So far she could proudly announce a number of thirty-two.

Haru, forsaking recycling, was playing around with the radio. Her fingers expertly turned and twisted knobs of radio control bulging from the car panel. Pleasant tunes were once in a while substituted by gory screams and wails, which turned out to be Cher's new song. Until suddenly…

_"-kid, non-conforming as can be _

You'd be non-conforming too if you look just like me…"

Damien, as though pricked with interest raised his chin slightly at the same times lightly bobbing his head in rhythm to the song. Hatsu took no seeming notice.

_"I have paint on my nails and makeup on my face _

I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs."

"Damien-kun," Haru exclaimed with thrill before she was interrupted by the screaming ecstatic spawn of Satan.

"Shush! That's my jam! I can dance to this 24/7. Oh yeah! It like totally speaks to my soul (If I had one that is). Turn it up! Turn it up ho!"

And so she did.

* * *

The room bore signs of frantic cleaning and tidying up. Where once lay a good layer of dust now was nothingness. It saddened the eye. It sure did. Dust and dirt gave the room its homey touch it now greatly lacked.

Kakashi sat in his armchair, thumping through his orange book. In the grand distance of this underwordly palace, echoed rapid steps to and from the kitchen. And it wasn't like he, Kakashi, wasn't nervous too. It's just that over the years of witnessing brutal murders and massacres, one small evening intended for his son to introduce to Luci and himself his 'friends' was nothing. From what Damien dropped into the conversation over the phone was that both his parents were in for a surprise. And that's what caused the irritable pacing.

Kakashi wished to comfort his nerve-racked love, but found it much safer to stay put. Who knew what horrors the Dark Prince could unleash upon a mortal in moment of fury? He sighed, finding that primitive fear for life one of the reasons for his salacious interest in Satan.

Finally, Luci joined the silver-haired man in the living room. He was nervously tucking on the pink apron that protected his white shirt and trousers from the cooking dinner. Slender fingers cupped the material into small bunches until wrinkles ran through and through. Red eyes ran across the space finishing the mad run on the copy-nin.

"Kakashi…" he breathed feebly as though his voice would spook something.

"You're worrying too much. It'll be fine. I promise."

"Oh, I don't know. I just have THAT feeling…" Luci's voice broke off and dramatic silence settled in.

"Come here, darling. Everything will be fine," Kakashi cooed.

The book was set aside and his arms were free from embrace the troubled other. Satan reluctantly settled into his lap and stretched arms.

"But…What if he's straight? What are we going to do then?"

"Luci, Damien is as straight as a rainbow. You have nothing to worry about."

"Really?"

"Yes. Rea-. Where is that music coming from?"

"Outside," Satan meekly said, slipping through Kakashi's grasp and standing up.

The silver headed man sprung up. With a manner of a hunting tiger, he moved for the window. In his eye was spelled doom for the disturbers of this potential important moment.

"You damn kids! Turn off that damn music," he screamed on top of his lungs over the words that mixed into a story about a troubled young man who stole his sister's mascara and was grounded for a week while thrusting open the window with malevolence of a true demon. With a trained eye of a warrior, the copy-nin located the source of great disturbance. Still glaring at the car, Kakashi probed around the windowsill for something sufficiently heavy to inflict physical damage.

And what luck!

It just so happened that Damien, who visited home last weekend, left his copy of "War and Peace" on the coffee table by the window. With a grimace of a wolf ready to jump at the throat of its prey, Kakashi griped the book and threw it in the direction of an emerging head. The book made a perfect arc in the air making the copy-nin almost dance with glee as it finally reached its destination point.

"I hate my family," Damien darkly murmured as he gingerly probed the damage done by the great Russian novel.

* * *

To begin with, Haru was still a bit surprised after finding out that … well that Damien had two daddies.

And that didn't help her much when she found out that he wasn't adopted either. This brought out whole lot of questions that Luci and Kakashi refused to answer. Haru couldn't help but blink in marvel every time Damien referred to raven-haired embodiment of evil as 'Mommy'.

"Mommy, my ass." was plainly written on Hatsu's face while Kakashi seemed to take no notice of this great gender wrong.

Haru right away made a mental note to research male pregnancies as she thought about how Kakashi and Luci did it.

Satan, who so lovingly embraced his son, was cautious around the young women.

At first he hoped against hope that they were cross-dressers… one of them sure looked like one, but no luck. They were certified females with PMS and all. Oh, how he suffered behind a happy smile! He wished to run out of the room in tears and then assemble legions of monstrosities to tear the dreadful women limb from limb. But, Kakashi's steady hand and eye kept Satan in check.

"It's a pleasure to see you again Haru-san," said Kakashi instead of Satan.

"The pleasure is all ours Kakashi-senpai." answered Haru for herself and Hatsu.

The latter was in a temporary coma due to the fall she suffered when Haru in shock of finding out that Damien had two dads stopped dragging her fully intoxicated body and dropped it (head first) on the cobbled path way leading up the house.

Luci avoided eye contact and instead focused on the black eye of his son. He touched the tender spot lovingly all the while murmuring something incoherent.

Damien, needless to say, was curt while speaking to his parents.

In an awkward manner he introduced the two women. After a few pleasantries, the dinner was announced ready by a booming otherworldly voice and the whole group proceeded to the dinning hall.

Kakashi sat at the head of the table, his eye roaming over the newcomers in uninterested manner. To his right, Luci was nervously in good spirits and silently repeating to himself that his son couldn't possibly be straight. Across from Luci was seated unconscious Hatsu and right next to her was Haru. Damien, who was hopelessly in a seriously depressive state, sat next to his mother.

Dinner began, as moderately nude winged men served a variety of dishes, most looking like they could still be alive.

Kakashi, deciding to break the silence, asked the guests little bits about themselves.

Hatsu contributed little to the conversation at first until the bottle of wine was opened. Finding this a perfect excuse to check if Luci was actually a masculine flat-chested Russian woman, her hand reached out for the neck of the bottle while her eyes checked for vital signs of womanhood on Satan.

No luck.

But unlike Haru, Hatsu was not surprised. Actually she couldn't be surprised even if she wanted to because after a sip of wine she passed out again in the salad.

'Not again,' thought Haru as she chewed on one of Luci's exotic looking steaks. Now, she not only had to lie for Damien, she'd later have to peel lettuce off Hatsu's face.

"Is she all right?" asked Lucifer peering over the salt and pepper shakers at the ruined salad.

"Oh yes. She's just doing her daily facial treatment," Haru assured him, using her fork to stab a purplish tentacle that was trying to pull Hatsu's face farther within the bowl.

"Oh…" said Luci and continued picking at his peas.

Damien was chugging down the opened bottle of wine in an attempt to twist god-awful reality into a more pleasant state.

"No darling! You'll spoil your appetite," Luci cooed, lightly slapping him.

"But moooom…" he whined back.

"Don't 'mom' me. Eat all of your vegetables. You don't want the company to think that you have a phobia about broccoli… which you do."

"Mom… you promised not to tell anyone about THAT."

"Damien, you're such a loser. Broccoli tastes good."

"No it doesn't. It's just plotting to take over the world when no one is looking!"

"So, er, Hatsu… what it that you do for a living?"

"I'm Haru. The passed out drunk in the salad is Hatsu."

"Oh." said Kakashi. 'They all look the same…' he thought.

"So anyways, what do you do for a living?" Luci impeded in a low voice, slightly chocking on the holy water.

"Well, I got a degree in the arts."

"The arts? What is it that you specialize in?"

Thirty minutes later, after Haru, in great detail, told of the company's terrible feats of selflessness she has to perform to get 'the ladies' ready every day for a night show, Hatsu suddenly woke up.

But this miracle could be accounted for the fact that Damien opened a fresh bottle.

"I work at the bar," she blurred out.

A piece of lettuce was stuck to her chin. With the back of her hand Hatsu wiped away the mayonnaise and most of the salad with a self-satisfied smack on her lips.

"Fascinating. So what do you do?" Kakashi joined the conversation once more. It's not like he could eat anyways. The mask prevented any consumption of the delicious and appetizing entries on his dish and unlike his son Kakashi was completely unaccustomed to letting his chin show in company.

"I work at the bar."

"We got that, dear. But what it that you do there? Do you clean, cook, host? Do you entertain? What?" Luci desperately inquired.

"I work at the bar."

"FOR THE LOVE OF-"

Flames sprung around the embodiment of evil. They licked the sides of the chair, scorching the delicate material of the seat. Fire laughed and roared consuming Satan whole. Its creator seemed impervious to the heat.

Damien only slightly raised his brow, scratching the hollow of his cheek.

Abyss opened near Hatsu's seat. From within the darkness cackling of millions of demons echoed. Their greedy hands reached out to grab the drunken girl.

"She means she's the bartender," Haru said sipping her drink.

"That's what I said! I work at a bar. Sheesh. Your hearing is almost as bad as your taste in home décor! Just look at that vase. It's hideous!"

Hatsu finished the wine bottle and nonchalantly aimed it for the heads of a particularly eager demon.

"THOU, MORTAL! THOU HAST SEALED THY FATE! FOR ALL ETERNITY THOU SHALL SUFFER ACCURSED DAMNATION!"

"Mom…"

"Bye-bye… Hatsu," Haru waved as she pulled her legs up into her chair.

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not dead yet! Oh, but that vase. It's killing me."

Smoke filled the room with sinister shadows. It was beginning to be exceedingly hard to breath. Each breath scorched the throat and burned the lungs. Heat licked flushed cheeks of Haru. She could hear the terrible rumble of millions of wings scraping against uneven sides of the cavern. Through the smoke gleamed eyes and open mouths. Hungry hands reached out, fingers curling with will for destruction. Laugher, steely blood curdling, cut cleanly through the roars and rumbles and cackles of lesser evils.

"FEAR ME, MORTAL! I AM THY SOUL'S MASTER! FEAR ME!"

Hatsu's shriek followed the malevolent outburst. Haru gripped through the darkness. Her heart quivered with fear and anxiety. This was a bad idea. She should have never agreed. The girl aimlessly reached out within nothingness. The scorching heat was as though melting her skin. Surely now Hatsu is dead. The scream echoed again and again in Haru's head. Surely, now her soul is forever to be tormented in the belly of hell's fire.

"Hatsu! No…" Haru angsted, a tear rolling. "I don't wanna be alone!"

"Now, now, Luci. This is not how you entertain guests."

Fire disappeared. Smoke vanished. Air became breathable. Visibility greatly improved. Hatsu unfortunately… was still alive. Haru looked around. Damien sat at the table, playing with the white bandages, which usually hid his lower face, like nothing happened.

No burns. Nothing.

Kakashi smiled under the mask while Satan, a bit upset, was apologizing to Hatsu for his er…outburst and promise of sure death.

"Wha- did- ha?" Hatsu exclaimed, patting her body, a look of distress over her face.

"Yahhh!" Haru cried out, giving fast little claps of delight. "Hatsu! You're alive!"

"You're embarrassing me," Hatsu hissed, looking away as she ran her finger through her short hair.

"But, I though you were dead," she whined, her lip sticking out.

Her friend groaned.

She was enjoying the moment of superiority she chanced upon. Her ears were open solely for Luci's apologies.

A wicked grin passed over the lips.

This whole dinner idea wasn't so bad after all. According to Luci, she now had a chance to own a luxurious villa by the lava lake when she comes back for permanent residency in hell. And in a nice neighborhood too!

A pondering haze clouded Kakashi's vision.

Well, if Damien really is straight, wouldn't that mean that…

"So when are you planning to marry and which one?"

"WHAT?!" burst out Damien while spitting his wine across the table in shock.

A giggle escaped Haru. Hatsu was not so pleasant about it. Surely, the spunky bartender will blur out something stupid like…

"Marry? Damien?" Hatsu said almost letting her food spew out. "We're just here so you'll think that Damien is strai-"

"- Straining to follow in his parents' footsteps for a healthy relationship and to provide them with a glorious successor!" Haru cheerfully piped in just in time. "Right, Hatsu-san?"

"What are you elbowing me for? I wasn't going to say that – let go of me!"

"Can you please excuse us?"

"Of course," Kakashi permitted.

Haru reached under the table and yanked Hatsu up by her ankle, leaving the table dragging Hatsu half-heartedly.

"I don't wanna go. No. No. Stop - Ouch!" Hatsu bawled as Haru swung her against the door frame as they exited.

Luci, with raised eyebrows, watched the two disappear into one of the adjoining rooms.

"Well, this dinner is ruined."

Damien stood up. His crimson orbs moved through the room, bored. Then, murmuring something about getting dessert, the Spawn of Satan proceeded to the kitchen.

Dumbfounded, Luci and Kakashi looked at one another, gazes silently asked each other millions of questions. Alas, not one of them could be answered. For all the years of wise living that the copy-nin and the Dark Prince experienced, the dinner confused them to no end.

Who were those two girls to their son? And their son? Was he gay or straight?

Luci broke the hold first. With a half sob he rose from his seat.

Methodically, the Evil One began collecting the dirty plates. His heart and mind raced faster than he wanted them both to. All that he wanted was to escape into the darkness and without a thought continue the routine torture scheduled for today. Kakashi didn't move a muscle. He was slowly dissecting the evening from minute one to the last sixty seconds. It was bizarre! Puzzling and downright intriguing… like a murder mystery.

His eye followed Luci's spiritless motions.

Oh, how he wished to comfort the other. But, found it rather cliché and useless at the present moment.

Maybe later, when everyone would leave the two would decide on the events of the dinner together.

From the distance came muffled screams of the agitated women coupled with the sounds of a whip crack now and again and a possible "What's my name bitch?!"

It was hard to make out the sounds because of the clatter of the plates.

"Kakashi."

"Yes?"

"Are we a dysfunctional family?"

"Yes, darling."


	9. The Commitment

I admit, I was cackling evilly as I was writing the first part of this chapter. When you read it, you'll know why. Anyway, the first part of this poetic masterpiece is my creation. Dogma came up with the second one. Can't get enough of Al, I suppose. 

Well, anyways. Thank you for reviewing. ( I still can't believe people actually read this). Who will be the LUCKY number 10? Suspence, suspence.

* * *

**Chapter 9 The Commitment **

Cautiously, a hand slipped through the gapping crack. Fingers nervously clutched a rough corner, tense with ambivalence.

He mustn't!

Oh really, he mustn't - but the temptation was so great.

Consequences of his actions loomed before him like two great gatekeepers. One, speaking with a sweet tongue, but told only lies. The other, harshly speaking, but with a ringing truth.

Was vengeance really his path? Was he truly willing to take the risk? Could such cold feelings lay claim to his soul after spending so many days with happy smiles?

And… and this place was screaming his name for what seems like an eternity. He couldn't bear to stare another moment into the face of tackiness and tasteless neomodern. His aesthetic eye was bleeding and pleading for relief. Longing, deep set and growling, took over the senses and finally the hand pushed the doors apart.

"Is he… is he from heaven?" asked Hatsu, wide eyed and mouth gaping.

"Nah, he was just standing outside for a while," Haru explained matter a factly.

Kakashi stepped into the strip bar with an easy gait. The aura of light that surrounded his graceful form receded away from the appealing gloom of the establishment. A smile, long faked now finally real, caressed the concealed lips of the man. Now _this_ was the life at its best.

The dark.

The alcohol.

The similar interests galore.

"Yo, Hatsu."

"Kakashi!" the woman said with warmth in every syllable.

"I'm surprised to see you here."

"Well, Kakashi, after visiting the Villa, I realized that living here for a while wasn't so bad."

"Why is that?"

"Jack the Ripper is my neighbor."

"Oh…"

"And he said good neighborhood. Good neighborhood my ass…." murmured Hatsu as she retreated to the back of her bar to pour the contents of a suspiciously looking bottle into Kakashi's glass.

Kakashi nervously laughed, knowing full well whom the aggravated blue haired woman meant.

Yes, lately Lucifer has been rather… annoying. And more annoying were the constant calls and hanging up. It was obvious that whoever was calling had heaven's area code.

Hello, caller ID.

And, if the device was to be trusted, the only one who had ever possessed Satan's home phone was God. But why would God do something so… desperate. Right away a name jumped to the top of his head. Well – actually, two names.

One: the Archangel. He and Luci were buddies back in the day.

And of course the son of God, Jesus.

Every call, every second before the monotonous beeps, reminded Kakashi of how unfaithful his love was. I mean sure, they talked about it and it was put out there that they could date other people but…how could Luci actually take that seriously?

"Here you are, Kakashi. Man, you look beat. You wanna talking about it?" Hatsu said, chasing down the words with a clear liquid with a distinct sharp smell.

"How many shots did you already take?"

"Me? Please, I know when to stop…"

" And…"

"Six. Are you happy now? Jeez, so naggy."

'Oh no!' Kakashi screamed inside of his head.

He was becoming naggy. He was becoming inquisitive. He was becoming like Luci! This can't be happening. Even in the holiest of all places, to him, the mark of eternal commitment was marring up his every word.

Who ever came up with this? Hm?! Who?!

And then, as though in a beautiful vision, a man of inexplicable beauty and grace sauntered into the bar.

'Oh lordy!' Kakashi thought his heart would stop for surely this was a vision of divine proportions… or the drink has just kicked in.

Whichever it was, it set his blood aflame and his mind searching for some 'good' pick up lines.

"Kakashi, fancy meeting you here," said the vision of beauty with a wink. That black hair. Those eyes. That smile. The copy-nin was feeling a heat wave overtake his senses as he feverishly groped for words.

"Ah yes…. I've been away from the village for a while."

"Really? Where?"

"Ekhm, hell…" the silver headed man murmured, suddenly embarrassed for his unflattering behavior. He really shouldn't feel this way. After all, there was this ugly word COMITTED stamped on his forehead. What would Luci say if he… if he cheated on him? And what about Damien… well, he supposed Damien couldn't care less as long as he didn't mention the 'dinner' incident.

Kakashi drummed a methodic beat with his fingers, pondering about his next move. The man of his interest settled down on the stool at the bar beside him.

Oh, how his heart quivered with anticipation of the next movement this stunning creature would make. Maybe, he would sweep his fingers through the luscious black hair. Or smile… or better yet wink. And then the thought of those endless phone calls and the break up talk and Satan's unfaithfulness hit him. This was only pay back. An eye for an eye.

Kakashi grinned, all not too unattractively at the raven-haired dream come to life.

"So what have you been up to?" the copy nin asked innocently.

"Kakashi…. I never knew you cared!" the gorgeous man exclaimed. The mentioned man only sipped from the newly refilled glass. Hatsu, after all, was a pretty damn good bartender.

"Of course I care. I always did."

"Oh, Kakashi. All those years and you finally… I am so happy that I can… I can… cry!"

"Mmm, did I ever tell you, you have the most beautiful eyes in all of the Village Hidden in the Leaves?"

Without another word the amazingly good-looking man leaned over to kiss the object of his old longing. Surely now fireworks will fly through the air announcing the happiest moment in his existence to all. His lips were dangerously close to the cloth of Kakashi's mask when…

"HATAKE KAKASHI!"

"Oh damn…" the called to man murmured, swinging 180 degrees to see the enraged, fuming, and a murderous Satan holding the doors apart and death spelled in his eyes.

"Jesus tap dancing Christ, Kakashi!"

"You would like that now wouldn't you?"

"What?"

"Admit it, Luci, you've been seeing Jesus again."

"I'm not the one cheating. You are. And with Master Gai no less!" _

* * *

Meanwhile…._

"Time to get ready for work," said out loud a strangely tall sixteen year old. The room was empty and therefore no one answered the youth back. The tall bulky suit of armor sighed, finding silence the worst form of torture.

Ever since he woke up in this strange land, silence and loneliness have been his constant companions. Of course, once in a while his 'savior', Hatake Kakashi, showed up to the flat to get away from what he called 'the worst thing that happened to me since I found out people actually think that Iruka and I have a fling'. But, Alphonse knew little of what that meant and simply passed it off as a 'ninja' thing. There were a lot 'ninja' ( wink wink ) things that Al passed off when he was around Kakashi…more than you can possibly imagine.

But even for the tiny disparities in the customs, they took him less time to master than the complex and fragile works of the American society. Konoha reminded him of those ninja movies and books he used to rent and buy. Al scratched the back of his head in moment of thought. He should have studied up more before venturing into the unknown.

Actually, if we're on the subject of his travels, the boy was still unsure how he was able to wake up in a totally different world. In the night, when the last of the lights are turned off and the white moon mournfully shone on the roofs build by the sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, the gripping fright took over Al as he whimpered in confusion. The darkness brought memories of terrible moments of suffocation before passing out and waking up with Kakashi over him. But that happened only at night. During day, Al's every moment was haunted by silence and loneliness. Even cats, of all the creatures, could not fill the empty gap in his heart.

Anyways, Al now felt like a fish in the water. He brought in once in a while a cat or two to pass the time with their little shenanigans. Kakashi didn't mind. Kakashi had no patience with pets but tolerated them enough in his flat to let Al keep 'em. And, as was stated before, they were a poor substitute for what Alphonse really longed for, his brother.

Ever since he found out that Edward was also hurled into this universe, Al tirelessly searched for his kin. But alas, the shorter blonde evaded his watchful eye. Now hopeless, Al took up a job to pay Kakashi for staying, because it was growing more obvious by the day that it would take the youth some time to find his beloved brother.

The wage was meager, but just enough. Al didn't have to eat… because of his condition and so most of the left over money was spend on cats and bus fare to search for his brother.

His job was simple. He just had to stand or walk around and be a living advertisement for **Three Hour Ninja Courses Training Sessions** (dun-dun-dun). Both the back and the front of his suit of armor were neatly marred with the address of the school and the specialties with which it dealt.

The girl who worked before quit for no reason…. But it's been whispered in the school that she inherited a Villa and was living the life of royalty. Who knows?

Al looked at himself in the mirror, admiring the penmanship but sighing with hopelessness. "Where ever are you, brother?" thought he, exiting the neat little flat. The key was hidden under the carpet, near the little blossoming plant.

Down he went the stairs and into the streets. Al knew almost every centimeter of the village, every stone, and every blade of grass. But no brother. And so the day began as usual. Silence and loneliness persisted. His soul shrunk away in disappointment because every passing citizen was not Edward. "Where are you brother?" chanted the tin can to himself.

_"Look at him…" _

_"I'd like to tap that." _

_"Delicious." _

Oh yeah… I forgot to mention that Al was quite a ladies' man in Konoha. Why? I don't know. He just was.

Anyways…

There he mopped around in all his shining glory. The foreign sun beat against the hard metal of his body. Dazzling was the sight of him walking so, melancholy and despair his companions. So much so was it a sight of beauty that children and women stopped to admire. Elevated and strapping with wide shoulders and heavy steps.

Once in a while, a rather brave girl would stop in front of him or run to him with a smile planted on the full lips and ask innocently, batting her eyelashes, about the **Three Hour Ninja Course Sessions. **

But what the maidens were really asking for was to hear the manly voice of the manly man.

Needless to say, they were in for a surprise when an almost childish and high voice answered them back in a melancholy drawl. Then again, this made the dashing knight more desirable, for you see, the soft-spoken words were a sure sign of his sensitive nature. And what girl wouldn't want the definition of sweetness by her side?

These meetings chased away Al's loneliness and silence, but not for long. For as soon as a girl realized he wasn't interested in a life-long commitment she disappeared with a swish of her skirt and frown on her face. He did feel horrible about it, but at the present moment love was the least bit of his concern. Well at least the kind of love the women were looking for. No, the only goal of his was to find his dearly beloved and made overly fruity brother.

Anyways…

So there he was walking down a street with his head in the clouds. Surely today would be different.

Al could feel a splinter of hope poke at his aching heart…. well not actually his heart since he doesn't have one or any other vital organs - but you know what I mean, right?

He ventured to the main street of Konoha where all the nightlife took its residency. Al was too much of a prick to come to such places when the sun went down, but was more than happy to walk through the streets with sun shining above. The dust pleasantly moved in clouds under his feet and he was actually some-what happy. Just a minute ago sadness gripped him, but now he was feeling content.

He _will_ find his brother. There was no question about it. It would just take more persistence, that's all.

"You're not going to catch me, Naruto!"

Al's head shot up. That voice. That name. They were all familiar… a bit too familiar. The metal man turned his head to look for the owner of the spoken words. His eyes widened in surprise. The head of golden tresses bounced with a hectic air as a rather vertically challenged boy ran from the square with another running after him. Laugher echoed and bounced off the grimy walls.

Golden orbs shone. Those eyes. Those dear, dear eyes. Al knew them so well.

The other boy, running behind his brother, made an inhuman leap to one tree and down the next, tackling Edward down.

Laugher rang around. The golden orbs sealed shut and the short form was shaken with fits of violent laugher.

How sweet.

The other boy stood up, giving a hand to assist Edward. Strangeness overtook Al. Was he replaced? Was he replaced by this strange companion with little to no taste in fashion?

"Brother!"

"-Ha?"

"Brother, it's me. Alphonse."

"Who?"

"Wow… that's the biggest portable trashcan I've ever seen…" murmured Naruto under his breath with fascination in his big bright blue eyes.

"Edward! You mean you don't recognize me? I'm your brother."

The mentioned boy laughed nervously with a sheepish smile creeping on his face.

"Oh. Al! Of course I recognized you. I was just…. teasing."

"Brother!!!"

The tin can embraced his brother with all the love and tenderness he felt for his kin. So much searching and now finally the Elric brothers were reunited.

But Edward did not fully return the feelings. He was still confused and fuzzy with his memories.

Naruto, equally puzzled, looked upon this with distress. Was his new best friend taken away from him? A ping of pain traveled through his heart. In the pit of his stomach, a possessive feeling gnawed.

Jealousy?

No, it couldn't possibly be that.

Naruto never felt jealous… not after he found out that Sasuke is a part time stripper.

But now…

Oh now he was ready to tear this 'brother' into pieces only to make him let go of _his_ Edward…

"I'm so happy I found you. I've been looking for you all over. Did you look for me?"

"Sure, I did…"

Naruto nudged Edward's side. Distress and bit of frustration shone plainly on his face. His friend never mentioned a brother. Never. Not even once. Hard worn fingers clenched into a tight fist.

Who was this 'Al'? What was he doing here? Was he really Ed's brother?

"Al, this is my good friend, Uzumaki Naruto," the golden-eyed boy spoke.

His tongue was lazy to pronounce words and so each syllable was forced and a bit unnatural. But still that caused Naruto to relax a bit.

"Oh," replied Alphonse. His eyes measured up the other boy. That orange jump suit, that messy hair, and that idiotic grin now creeping up on his face.

"So you are the number one hyper-active ninja Kakashi has been talking about!" the tin can finally replied after a moment of thought after his initial response. Something of a friendly smile passed over his lips.

"Wait! You mean you know Kakashi-sensei?"

"Yes. I'm staying with him."

"Where has he been for the past…" Naruto paused in thought trying to calculate the number of days his sensei was absent with his fingers, "… five months?"

Alphonse threw a dazzling yet devilish eye at the Kyuubi vessel. "Life-long commitment," was all that the tin can said.

* * *

**Who's your Daddy** was a great inspiration for this chapter. Thank you, Benny Benassi. Thank you so much. 


	10. Death is too Easy a Job for This Beauty

Romance is by far NOT my strong point. I don't know about Dogma. But, when an idea of how to introduce Sakura and Sasuke into the story popped into my head, it was just too rich to let go. So here it is. Far from perfect, but close enough for the government work. 

Kuddoes to Dogma and ability to write bad emo style poems. Saved my buttocks right there.

Review away, my loves.

* * *

**Chapter 10 Death is Too Easy a Job for this Beauty**

_Avenger_

_My life is darkness with no end._

_My loved ones, frozen and dead._

_My veins leak color black, the color of my blood_

_My mind is running free with no reigns._

_Each day is filled to brim with danger_

_For after all, I am the Avenger._

_Dear Diary, _

_My morbid existence is tearing away my bloodless heart. _

_Each day is like an eternity of torture. Hell would be a pleasanter place than the inside of my skull. _

_All I see before me is darkness and damnation. _

_Everyone is dead. _

_I'm dead. _

_But Itachi is alive._

_Alive and laughing. _

_Laughing at me._

_Laughing._

_LAUGHING._

_I will kill him with my two hands. _

_I am the Avenger… _

_Oh, and I went to work today. _

_That bitch Haru was against my newest diet and so I left. It's not my fault that I like chocolate covered strawberries. She's just not open minded when it comes to weight loss. Fat pig, even fatter than Ino. Anyways, I ended up rushing out,, forgetting that I was still in my "uniform"._

_But I'm just so damn good looking and nothing can change that. I'm just that handsome. Whatever Haru thinks, is her problem. _

_No one in Konoha can surpass my bloody good looks._

_My slick muscles..._

_My gorgeous hair…_

_My terrific abs…_

_My glory-hole…_

_I am the embodiment of everything divine and perfect. _

_Except for Itachi. And that's why I have to kill him because he shares my freakishly perfect features. The world can't handle two beauties like the Uchiha brothers. _

_But no… he's not my brother. He's my rival like that Neji or Lee or… er… Naruto._

_Anyways, so I walked out of the bar and who do you think I bump into? Yeah, it was Sakura. I kinda wondered what she was doing in the downtown area, especially in the Red Light District._

_I figured I'd just shrug it off and walked away from her. She ran after me yelling something like, _

_"Oh, Sasuke, you manly man, I've searched everywhere for you! Please wait for the weak and defenseless little old me. I can't possibly catch up to you. You're so big and strong." _

_So of course I had to stop. I waited for her to catch up and then asked her what she wanted in my most depressed undertones. And you know what, dear diary? That 'creature' actually hugged me! I was so revolted by it that I almost forgot for a moment how sad and depressed I'm supposed to be, about my clan being wiped out, and about my rival in good looks - brother. _

_"You don't have to cry anymore!" _

_She was totally hitting on me._

_"Crying? Uchiha's never cry. We are physically incapable of producing tears. Our tear glands are removed once we hit puberty." _

_But the stupid girl didn't listen to me. She just told me how much she loved me and that I wasn't alone. Of course I wasn't alone. I always took my favorite moisturizing cream with me everywhere. Konoha weather was terrible for pale skin. _

_Anyways, she dragged me down to the ground so that both of us sat in the middle of the road. People were starring but, I was, after all, a master of apathy. But I just had to get this psychotic girl off of me and go home to mop around all day and to complain about the fact that no body loves me. She wouldn't let go for anything. Her arms enveloped me like she was trying to protect me from something. Crazy, ha? But since I am a tactical genius, I soon realized exactly what I had to do in order to escape this highly embarrassing situation. _

_"I love you too."_

_I thought she would die on me. She cupped her hands around my face and… God, this is so embarrassing to write, dear diary. Sakura KISSED me. I can't wash away the taste even after I brushed my teeth ten times._

_Damn you God for making me just too handsome for my own good! _

_P.S. I've got a date with Sakura next Friday. Wish me luck, dear diary. __

* * *

_

Cherry Blossom

_He is so distant and unseen _

_That ravens hair, those empty eyes. _

_And yet he seems so queerly keen _

_To reach perfection that there lies. _

_At me like love was in his heart _

_I would have happily have danced _

_And breath so ready to depart. _

_Although I tell him that he's awesome_

_He never sees his cherry blossom _

_Dearest Diary, _

_He loves me! _

_He really loves me! _

_All that stalk- er, following paid off in the end because he LOVES me. _

_Me! _

_Me! _

_And only me! _

_He said so himself AND he kissed me. And I don't mean just a peck. No, I mean he really KISSED me. I was so shocked that I almost forgot he was wearing that pink thong._

_But… before that wonderful mind-boggling kiss, my little Sasukitty was crying. Oh, it broke my heart to see him cry as he ran out of the building, the "No Women Allowed" sign slamming into my beautiful (if not overly sized) forehead when I was peeking through the crack of the door to see inside the 'Hounds of Hell'. Between pain in my immense cranium and the vital organ associated with infatuation, a crazy thought steered within me. _

_"Sasuke needs me!"_

_I ran after him, still a bit dazed and suffering from a possible concussion. I called after him, "Sasuke, Sasuke!" _

_But he didn't hear me and kept running. And yet, Sasuke's sobs I heard through the approaching darkness of unconsciousness. They ricocheted harshly off the walls of the close-knit buildings. My heart quivered with sorrow as I reached out for my beloved. My hands reached out for the fading image of my teammate. _

_And then, as though by some providence, he suddenly stopped. Maybe he heard my please, my calls. I don't know, but he stopped in the middle of the intersection leading out of the Red Lights District of the city. Angels must have sung of sublime when I caught up to my crying Sasuke. I quickly embraced his trembling form. And… and… and then I knew that this was for the rest of my life. No one would replace Sasuke in my heart. No one, not even Satan or his fruity son would ever be able to break the connection I felt with him. All of that unconscious drabble I used to lock up, things I wanted to say to him a million times before but couldn't, they left my mouth without any restrain. And he cried while I talked to comfort him. He cried out his sadness, I talked out my love. He cried so violently that the few people that passed us stared at him in wonder. My eyes rested on the evil curse mark given to him by Orochimaru and on locks of black hair. And I knew. From that moment I knew that this wasn't a childish crush or lust. No, this was the love of my life right here in my arms. If he died tomorrow, so would I. When he would tear, I would break. When he would fall, I'd stumble down to hell and sell my soul to Devil to make him happy again. _

_He is all that there is. He is all that would ever be. All that will ever bear meaning in my life. Sasuke… Sasuke. Can I finally say those words I wanted you to hear from the beginning? _

_"Sasuke, I love you," I said to him. _

_He was surprised, surprised but glad because I felt his shoulders relax and he stopped crying. Within moments we were on the ground, both of us like fools staring into each other's eyes, our legs no longer able to support us. The world spun and twirled like some mad dancer, but we didn't care. We saw eternity in each other's eyes. _

_"I love you too."_

_And then he kissed me. _


	11. The Transvestite Trio

I know what you're thinking... what the hell was going through your head? Well, in the true spirit of crack fan-fictions, the ridiculous chapter titles are needed. 

Actually, this is a key chapter that will make most of the things clearer. I didn't promise 'clear' but 'clearer'. So, here goes nothing.

Oh and thanks for the reviews. It's very sweet of you to take time off your busy schedule to read this hogwash.

* * *

**Chapter 11 **

**The Transvestite Trio **

_Some time before Dinner with Satan. Location: Unknown_

Water gurgled in the stream, bright drops of diamonds splashing in the air. The lurid music of the freelance nature, it swept away the noise of industrial monstro-cities, belching toxins into the crisp morning air. Upon the banks stood ancient giants of long ago battle, the stuff of our myths. As the wind passed, they murmured in a cryptic language of the past glories and failures, valiance and cowardice. Somewhere a bird leered only to be echoed by the laughing running stream. Its clear waters kissed rich banks of grasses and spring filled blossoms. It carried many things of death and of life, judging nothing, knowing no one.

It pulsated like the life blood of the forest. It was the center of all life and the last visitor after death left. The stream was more than a stream. It was god in the domain of the morning forest, telling its children to awaken and face another day of struggles and triumphantts.

He heard its voice through the haze calling him onward to the new horizons. Yet,just minutes ago he stood before the gate of golden light in nervous quivering of the unknown, awaiting the final hour. But now, the familiar voice of the stream grounded him. He was in darkness, and yet there was light within brighter him than the golden gates of heaven as the miraculous voice carried on and on.

He stirred. There was no pain, no strain. The earthly things of past were carried away. GOne

He smiled, not in the least bit concerned with the missing link.

_"Awaken, my son,"_ a gentle voice beseeched him to stir once more.

But it was pleasant in the darkness, with the wodless song being sung over him by the wind and the stream and the laughing bird. Surely he avoided the place of pain and now was in the embrace of eternal paradise. The warmth spread through the form of his as the sound of water lapped against his mind like it did against rich banks of earth.

_"Awaken,"_ the voice beseeched once more, detached and unearthly.

And he answered the calling with fluttering eyelids.

Above, a sky of clear blue met the eye. Unbound and free like the stream it gently touched the tips of trees. The foolish grin remained upon the lips. The gaze rolled steadily to take in other wonders.

To his right stood man in white robes. His face was tranquilizing peaceful, as though he was the epitome of divine.

"I must be in heaven…"he murmured lazily, eyes focusing on the figure.

The man smiled. He smiled so warmly that the boy's heart quivered with happiness. Eternal happiness was his. Eternal…

"….because you are _Jesus_."

Long moment of silence set in. Neither the divine image of the Holy Son nor the boy spoke. There was no need for words. They became an outdated trend of silly past. He and Jesus had the gurgling of the stream to be their voices, their thoughts.

The boy lifted his head form the ebd of grasses, his gentle hand reaching out to the light, waiting to be taken away into the next stage of paradise to see the true face of g-

"Well _of course_ he's Jesus. Who else would he be?" came a harsh voice from somewhere above.

Unsure of what to make of it, the pure lips parted in wonder. He blinked once and then twice.

"G…god?" inquired the boy with a raised brow.

_"_What a dim wit. J, do we really need him?"came that same voice from the above, addressing the robed man this time.

_"Envy, please. Be polite to the new addition to your group." _

"Let's hope he's better than the pedophile wannabe you found the last time."

The leaves rasped violently over head. Through the green, a grinning face peaked. There was something mean about it, but one couldn't really place it right away, perhaps it was the fact that this person had a set of predator sharp gleaming teeth and on top of the head was spiky dark green hair, going off in all directions.

"Oh. My. God. It's that _palm _tree!" screamed Haku in horror, pointing a weak finger at the mean spirited face.

He quickly scurried up. Who knows what could pop out of the head of a walking talking plant?

"Yep, he's worse," answered back the palm tree, shaking its head sadly.

Leaves rustled once again, giving almost a full picture of the talking plant. It wasn't tall neither short. And unlike the Jesus figure on the ground, it was half nude. What little cloth it wore was black. With wide eyes, Haku watched the creature make an inhuman jump, down to the grasses.

"So, you want know why you're still alive?"

Jesus shrugged, looking over at Haku with an apologetic smile on his lips. The youth backed up, until his back hit the thick oak. The sudden pain made him remember the wound inflicted on him by the hateful evil no good son of a bitch, Hatake Kakashi.

Haku looked down, fingering gingerly his stomach. There wasn't even a sign that it was ever penetrated by anyone's hand

The young man blinked before slowly returning his gaze to the two others.

"Wha… what happened?"

"Long story short - We saved your ass and now you'll work for J."

"Well, who said I have to work for Jesus?"

_"Dun-dun-dun."_

"Think of the benefits, kid. The tax reductions for charity, the chicks ( if you're into that), and fame."

"Huh?"

"Never you mind. Just listen here." Envy said mocking baby talk. "Haku, was it? Join us and we'll make up for all the pain you suffered. We're going to kill that mean and nasty Hatake Kakashi. Sounds interesting?"

"Ha…Ha….Hatake Kakashi?"

A million thoughts went through the hand, most bloody and murderous. A thin line turned up on his lips. Eyes of hazel and gold narrowed with interest and a hint of devilish pleasure.

"Very interesting."

_"Wonderful!"_ exclaimed Jesus, clapping his hands and hopping on one foot.

Now his plan would be able to go through with mechanical precision. With someone as talented and dedicated as Haku, the plan to murder the rival for Luci's heart was a sure thing in the bag.

With glee, the holy son hopped up and down, already tasting the sweet fruits of success.

"Alrighty then, _Haku_. Welcome to the Transvestite Trio," said the palm tree, with an elegant wave of its hand and a bow.

_"Dun-dun-dun."_

"That's a weird name for a group…"

"But it has alliteration, making the name sound awesome and legit!" the palm tree argued back, pointing a finger at Haku.

"Fine. But… if I'm the third member and you're the first, palm tree, who's the second then?"

"You maybe have already heard of him."

"Jesus?" incredulously the youth exclaimed, stopping the holy son's another round of bunny hops.

_"Oh no no no! I'm not part of it. I just hired you,"_ the bubbly Christ explained.

"Then…."

"It's Orochimaru. One of the three Seni-"

_"Dun-dun-dun."_

"Stop it for your own sake, just freaking stop it!"

"It's just sound effects."

Envy shook its head in disbelief, rubbing its forehead.

"Wow. THE Orochimaru is part of this group. Must be something," Haku whispered in awe, while the two others squabbled amongst each other.

Needless to say, the youth greatly admired the evilness of the legendary ninja since most of his life he spent with a pedophile wannabe Zabuza. Only Orochimaru was much more famous pedophile wannabe and probably better looking. So, his life was turning for the better, right?

Haku really hoped it was. After staring death in the face, the youth had no wish to repeat that experience again. But don't think that he became a coward. No, Haku simply doubted that he would ever be a mindless tool in the hands of another. Zabuza had indeed given him a reason to live while they were together. But, now he would be his own person, trying a hand at revenge as a trade. Could be a promising thing to do, since death was what he knew better than himself.

Death and Blood.

Blood and Death.

Now into the equation was added Jesus Christ, but that shouldn't really change the outcome. Right?

_Present day. Somewhere in Hell_

"Damien? What are you doing with that _knife_? DAMIEN! Nooooo!"

A sigh.

"I'm making peanut butter sandwich."

"Oh," said Lucifer, collapsing on the kitchen chair. His fingers knotted in the locks of rich black mane.

"I'm sorry, hun. It's just I've been a little under weather lately."

"I know. He did it in my bar," unfazed Damien noted before taking a bite of his sandwich.

After seeing Sasukitty putting on pounds, the devil's spawn came under impression that the chubby look was in again. And since he was really into the trends, there was no way that he would remain skinny even if that meant giving up the nut hugger jeans.

"I still can't believe it!"

"So, do you want me to cut off his –"

"No, son. I still need that. Besides you never cut off another man's –"

"But Mom. What happened to "no one cheats on me without being _painfully_ rid of his-"

"Something is different this time," Luci spoke, lifting his head.

The red orbs lingered for a moment on the carbon copy of the copy-nin. He smiled sadly, the usually demonic features soft and motherly.

"What? What's different? Is it because you haven't cheated on him? Or … or… or…"

"True love."

Satan stood up and exited the kitchen, leaving the shocked Spawn to choke on the fattening sandwich.


	12. True Bondage of Love

I must say. This was a fun chapter to write. I know it's short and I took forever, but that's because some of us have a life...or a lot of homework.

* * *

**Chapter 12 True Bondage of Love**

"Sakura's so desperately in love with me -"

"Wow, that sounds really interesting Naruto, but don't you think you should get out of there?" Edward asked impatiently rapping his gloved knuckles against Al's armor chest. Naruto was presently hidden after discovering the younger Elric's "hollowness".

"No way! This is just too cool! I mean, sure it's kinda freaky, but it's a pretty neat hiding spot!"

"Al is not a mode of transportation, SO GET OUT!"

"Okay, okay…" he selfishly pouted.

"Ahhh!" Al gasped as his head was popped off, landing in Edward's arms.

Naruto lifted himself out halfway, perching his arms on either side of Al's opening. He looked down, grinning upon the rest of Al.

"Hee - Sorry Al."

"It's okay Naruto-chan." Al said, replacing his head after Naruto had crawled out, adjusting it back in properly. "I really don't mind."

"So Nii-san-" Naruto began.

Naruto-chan.

Nii-san.

Those words had become so fitting the past few weeks.

Despite his certain doubts and a bit of misunderstanding, Naruto had warmed up to Al shortly after meeting him. Sure, Naruto was shocked by Al's lack of a flesh body when Al had literally lost his head, and that his life depended solely on a patterned doodle of dry blood remained intact within his armor. But as it would have it, it didn't seem to faze him for long.

As the days went by after that, the three could be seen walking in the streets of the village, playing practical jokes, or practicing moves and jutsus in an open field. And they could always be seen laughing. Edward doubted he and his brother had laughed this much before their mother had died.

So, on this particularly nice day the three were up to their usual no good stuffs. It's just happened that Naruto was taking a break to think up of a new ways to scare the shit out of the villagers but instead began rambling about his love interest. Edward felt annoyed with the whole narrative, unsure why because Naruto was a great storyteller if one could ignore the constant 'Believe it!' screams. They were having a grand time when all of a sudden Naruto spotted three unlikely to be together people, Neji, Lee, and Shikamaru. A bit unnerved by their strange outing, the blond realized that something was up. After all, seeing Neji and Lee together was like witnessing an owl in a broad daylight. Something bad was about to go down.

"Naruto! Who are your youthful yet very strange companions?" asked Lee for a greeting, beaming like he just won a million bucks.

"Hey Lee, Neji, Shikamaru," Naruto greeted the three boys, still looking suspiciously at them. "This is Edward and Alphonse. They're brothers."

"Which village are you two from?" asked Neji, looking Al up and down. This was the most curious get up. What were those metal plates for anyway? One couldn't really move in them.

"Um… Um…" Edward tried to answer but nothing came to his rescue.

"Well, it's obviously they're not from our part of the country… or this world for that matter," Shikamaru intervened, being a smart ass and all. "They're outsiders, probably from another manga series."

"You and your crazy theories, oh youthful Shikamaru you," Lee squealed in glee.

"Christ if you say youthful one more time I'll sho-"

Neji didn't have time to finish his sentence, warning Lee that his buttocks would have an unpleasant time with certain words, because turning the near by corner were Sakura and Sasuke

Holding hands.

Naruto screamed in pure agony.

Throwing a quick hissy fit, he ran away from the sight, tears streaming through his eyes. Edward followed, because one: he didn't want to stick around and see Neji carry out his plan regarding Lee and two: his best friend in the world just had an emotional breakdown.

So off he went, the gallant but short knight to rescue Naruto from the blues. Al decided to stick around. Something smelled like drama.

"Well, well, well! Who'da thunk Uchiha was straight?! Am I the only one surprised? Shoot…" said Neji with a tone of hard core mockery.

Lee was beaming more than before while Shikamaru did his part for the conversation no matter how bothersome it was for him. "I don't think so," the lazy genius said with innocence written on his face.

"Oh, hey guys." That was Sakura. Sasuke was trying to pull her in the opposite direction but the girl proved to be much stronger than expected, especially when she wanted to show off.

"How did you do it, Sakura?"

"Do what?" the pink haired girl inquired, holding Sasuke in place so that he wouldn't be able to squirm away and run for his life… his social life.

"Turn Sasukitty straight," Neji said with a devilish grin.

"I was _always_ straight," stated the pretty raven, suddenly stopping his struggle against the freakishly strong Sakura. Eyes hatefully turned in the direction of anyone who would dispute him on that subject and the lips pressed into a tight defiant line.

"What about that time-?" began Lee.

"That was accident."

"And last summer when you-?" tried Shikamaru.

"I was in camp last summer."

"So that time I caught you naked in my be-?"

"That was destiny and you know it!" hysterically screamed Sasuke, pointing a condemning finger at Neji.

For a moment, pale eyes stared in blatant surprise into those of dark intensity. His mouth moved, but slow as though the youth forgot how to speak in those few ten seconds.

"Oh _hell_ nah," began the boy before he felt a sharp pain between his ribs as Shikamaru's elbow rammed into his heaving side. A minute later, Neji was on the ground, his face smashed into the ground and held down that way by other's strong grip. He muffled obscenities, but couldn't move without feeling the pineapple's sharp knee crack his spine.

"You wanna get us all killed?" hissed Shikamaru in an unusually caring manner. I mean seriously, we're talking about lives here.

No, he wasn't afraid of Uchiha's wrath. He had no doubt that Neji would give the pretty boy raven some well deserved pummeling for lying about the camp thing (so unfair), but it was Sakura who was concerning him the most. Shikamaru wasn't in the mood to see the full blown fury of the pink-haired demon-woman fall upon his pineapple head.

Giving Neji's head a good push into the ground, hoping some dirt found its way into the other's mouth, the smart ass turned to Sakura with a little sheepish smile. "Sorry, he forgot to take his medication today."

Neji angrily groaned, shooting his captor an evil sideways glare.

Sasuke watched this with certain fascination. There was something about Neji sprawled out on the ground, with someone's hand tangled in that long no-split-end luscious black hair, the way he groaned under Shikamaru's pressed knee as he attempted to get hold of the genius and kill him. Uchiha blinked, turning to look at Sakura, who was beaming down at the poor Neji and apologetic Shikamaru.

"That's ok. Just don't forget next time, Neji. Just because you went to Shitkago over the summer doesn't mean that you can talk all black," the girl instructed with her hands firmly pressed against her hips in a superior manner.

Lee and Al were silent during the whole thing, just watching the four others play out this little drama.

"Well, let's go."

Sasuke didn't move.

His eyes were focused on still struggling Neji and Shikamaru wobbling back and forth as the well toned body underneath his knee attempted to rise and murder him.

"Sasuke," the girl called him, eyes narrowing.

"Oh no," thought Shikamaru, pressing Neji's head down again before the other boy could go on a rampage of cussing.

"Sasuke," she repeated, before finally grabbing the boy's collar. She yanked him harshly, dragging the poor Uchiha past the mesmerized Lee and confused Al. She waved them a goodbye before she turned another corner, Sasuke lagging behind, gapping for air as his collar was pulled ever tighter.

"Well, at least we know who wears the pants in this relationship," sputtered out Neji along with dirt and threats that sent Shikamaru off to the other side of the village.

Sakura and the unhappy Sasuke continued walking through the busy streets of the village. The passed the sniveling Naruto sometime ago, uncaring for the drama unveiling itself between the loud mouth and another blond. They walked pass the hottest beauty shop in the red lights district, not even stopping by the Hounds of Hell from which inhuman shrieks could be heard. Oh no, they walked like eternity was not in front of them, but only few hopeful minutes. Eventually the girl let go off the other's collar, yet the burn marks remained on the pretty pale neck as signs of his ever youthful and blooming commitment to a thing called love. She held his hand in a post-mortem, bone-crushing grip and he meekly followed in the footsteps of his new 'master'. Dimly, Sasuke wondered who in the world would voluntarily submit himself to such torture. He couldn't look at other skirts, couldn't debate his sexuality with people he couldn't tolerate, and finally…

"Sasuke-kun… do you think they've noticed my handcuffs?"

And finally there was the matter of less poetic bondage of love, one of hard and core.


	13. The Konoha Salon Massacre

**Chapter 13 The Konoha Salon Massacre **

It just so happened that upon this lovely day Orochimaru was walking down the red light district street, breaking the hearts of many teenage girls, his luscious black hair flowing in the spring wind. He winked at the young women of the Konoha as he lustfully passed his tongue over thin lips.

And yet he was deep in his thoughts when he finally burst out:

"You know, I haven't been in this story for such a long time and it's high time I make myself known and fabulous once more."

And so Orochimaru, also known as Orichomaru the fabulous teacher of the Three Hour Ninja Course Training, decided to head down to the hottest local salon in the red light district – "Sex Me Up". His red kimono flowed in the wind, while he skipped down the street, at times revealing his well-shaped shaved legs to the passing by villagers. What can we say; he's a sexy beast.

Upon entering the salon, Orochimaru noticed the presence of two other males. One had silky flowing silver hair and the other had long wavy black tresses. The one with the silver hair was getting his nails done and hair scrubbed.

He smugly looked upon Orochimaru and asked, "Who let this ugly thing in?"

The man with the black hair, who was currently getting his eyebrows plucked, smirked.

"Indeed. I thought this was a place for those of us who were truly fabulous." He flicked his wrist prompting the silver headed man to pull the loser sign on his forehead.

Orochimaru stood there with a shocked expression, only to recover quickly and snap his fingers four times while saying, "Oh, no you didn't, girlfriend!"

The black haired man glared and turned to the silver haired man and asked, "Can you believe that he just called us girlfriend, Sesshie-kun?"

"Like OH MY GOD, Naraku. I KNOW," replied Sesshomaru rolling his molten amber eyes. "What a lame comeback. So distasteful"

"Like, I KNOW!" Naraku replied while clapping his newly manicured hands gleefully. "He's perfect! Like, totally perfect!"

Sesshomaru's head perked and he settled comfortably in the chair. He shooed the stylist away and then glanced at Orochimaru, eyeing him tastefully.

He nodded and asked, "So, would you like to join our club? We are "The Eye Shadow Fanatics Association"."

Orochimaru was taken aback for a moment.

But, he quickly collected himself and cooly said, "Sorry babe. I'm with "The Transvestite Trio". The Trio is way better than you guys. We have Jesus on our side. Top that!"

He snapped his fingers in front of Sesshomaru's face and flicked his perfect hair and walked to his regular chair, waiting to be pampered and groomed.

Not that he needed to be, he was practically perfect in every way.

Sesshomaru and Naraku stared at each other in blatant shock. They had been trying to get Jesus on their side for the longest time, how could they be topped by this strangely attractive older man?

And so, the three men continued with their beatification ritual, also known to be "Sexed Up" in silence.

Meanwhile, a few blocks away in "The Hounds of Hell", Damien was frantically trying to find his purple eye shadow and black nail polish, along with black eyeliner. The entire bar and office had been turned upside down. The dancers had been dismissed, leaving the elder illegal immigrant janitor, the twisted bartender, and the dancing instructor to suffer Damien's wrath.

Damien shrieked, breaking the shaded windows of the strip bar.

"Bitches! In my office! NOW!"

The elder janitor awoke from his slumber on the bar stool and looked at the two women.

"Pienso que eso sería usted dos, mis amores."

Haru whispered to Hatsu, "I heard he's getting paid more than the both of us combined."

"Lucky bastard…" Hatsu replied while shaking her fist and shooting the janitor a deadly glare as the man returned to his siesta.

The women were filled with dread as they walked down the long dark hallway to Damien's office. They entered to find the office in ruins and Damien frantically running around, his arms waving, yelling, "The apocalypse is upon us. First, Dad makes out with Guy-sensei, then mother doesn't want to destroy his manhood, and now I can't find my makeup! The END IS COMING!!!"

Haru slapped herself in the forehead and sighed, "How the hell did I get stuck with this job and this crazy emo boss?"

As Damien made another run around the office, he tripped over the sake bottle left behind from one of his emo bashes.

The spawn flew across the room, slamming into the wall sobbing hysterically, "The apocalypse is upon us."

Haru and Hatsu stared at each other and shook their heads hopelessly. Damien scrambled up, wiping away tears with the back of his hands with a sniffle. He finally acknowledged Haru's and Hatsu's presence after the episode of mild concussion passed.

"You two… " he paused and sniffed, "Go to the salon, "Sex Me Up", and get me more makeup before the three horseman come and get me." With that, he passed out, blood creeping out of his mouth slightly.

"Ewww," Hatsu said while backing away from the red stream that was coming from his mouth.

Haru just sighed and said, "You heard the um, um - would it be right to say he's a man? Ah, hell! You heard the emo; let's just go so we can leave here before all hell breaks loose."

Hatsu nodded and broke into sprint, exiting the ruined office, down the hall, jumping over the sleeping janitor and out the doors screaming, "FREEDOM!"

Haru followed and asked the joyous Hatsu, who was kissing the ground in a Paris Hilton pose.

"Must you do this every time we leave the bar?"

Hatsu nodded vigorously, and followed Haru down the red light district to find the salon of their boss's request. They walked in the hurried manner, because they could hear the rumbles of earth as it jolted under the supposed coming of the three horsemen, marking the end of all. Finally, the pink visage of the salon caught their eye.

In big, bold, and fabulous letters, "Sex Me Up" invited the residents of Konoha village to take part in the bizarre yet effective beautifying rituals.

"This must be the place," said Haru in a low tone, looking around.

Hatsu stood, awe struck by the pinkness of everything. Through the glass, the woman could spot figures of the attendants of the salon and its workers.

"Well, there's no point in standing outside. Let's go in." Hatsu answered back, practically hopping to the door, excited at the chance of finally seeing what was inside this mysterious and disturbing place. She grabbed Haru's hand and dragged the other reluctant woman into "Sex Me Up".

The heads of all the salon goers turned to look at them, followed by many outrageous cries:

"Women? Who let women in here?"

"Have the feds come to shut this place down?"

"My eyes, they burn, women!"

"Quick hide the eye shadow!"

"Don't tell my wife that I was here! She thinks I'm naturally hairless!!!"

Hatsu and Haru were dumbstruck as Sesshomaru stood up and eyed the two women.

'_With enough sake and squinting they could pass as men, I guess," _he passively thought

He walked over to the two women and towered over them. Naraku raised his newly plucked eyebrows and Orochimaru looked up from his shampooing distastefully.

'_This place is going to the dogs,' _he thought with revulsion.

"OH. MY. GOD." Hatsu said slowly. Her eye began to twitch. "What the fuck is this place?! Is this a gay convention or something?"

Haru elbowed Hatsu, whispering into her ear, "Calm down, Hatsu! We don't want to be jumped by a bunch of fruitcakes."

Sesshomaru had heard every word with his demonic hearing and frowned, his perfect eyebrows creasing in anger. He flexed his fingers and glared coldly at the women.

At the same moment, Hatsu was beginning to have a major convulsion due to meltdown of her gay senses.

"Too…much…gayness! Can't…control it! Must - KILL ALL."

Haru gasped and stepped away. The dance instructor knew what was coming and turned to leave but found that Naraku blocked her path. She noticed his perfectly plucked eyebrows and the way he flickered his hair.

"Where are you going? The fun is just beginning. We still didn't get our nails done yet. Join us."

Meanwhile, Orochimaru sensed the danger that was coming from the way the two women were fuming and their eyes twitching. He quietly snuck out the back door and left without paying.

'_How's that for cunning?' _he thought smugly.

Back in the salon, Haru and Hatsu were having a major breakdown and couldn't last much longer. While Sesshomaru towered over Hatsu, Naraku blocked Haru's path, talking about the new Grey's Anatomy episode. The women could take it no longer and snapped.

With a cry of "FREEDOM!" from Hatsu, she grabbed her kunai and drove it into Sesshomaru's heart. Blood spurred out and drenched Hatsu from head to toe. The woman twisted the kunai and pulled it out screaming, "LONG LIVE THE PENIS!!!"

Sesshomaru let out a pained yelp and collapsed to the floor.

While Hatsu exploded her rage, Haru was busy "fixing" Naraku a new one. The dark hanyou collapsed to the floor and held the precious stub that was left of his manhood. Haru let slip a sly grin as she licked her wet hand.

She stared at Hatsu, a devious grin spreading over both their features.

"Now let's get the rest of these queers."

Hatsu nodded and walked over a twitching Sesshomaru, stepping on the man's chest.

"You just read my mind."

**The Next Day**

"Good Morning Sasuke! How did you sleep?"

Sasuke groaned, rubbing the back of his neck, "Why do you have to be so rough, Sakura? Can't you be gentle for once?"

Sakura grinned and held out the tray with the breakfast that she had prepared for Sasuke. Sasuke took the food eagerly. Sakura sat next to him and began to read the newspaper she had brought from the kitchen.

She listlessly went through the newspaper, glancing over the stock prices, movie releases, and various things. She turned the page and instantly froze. She quickly read the article and gasped.

Sasuke, who was finishing his tea, looked up and asked, "Something wrong, koi?"

Sakura shoved the article under Sasuke's nose and said, "Sasuke! It's – Your dance instructor…"

Sasuke reluctantly glanced at the newspaper and stared wide eyed at the title in big bold letters: "**TWO FUGITVES SLAUGHTER INNOCENT SALON GOERS IN THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT!" **Below were the article and a picture of the two "supposed" fugitives. One was of his dance instructor, arching over a panicking emo boy, protecting himself with a purse. The other woman was the bartender, a kunai in her mouth and was pinning down yet another emo against the wall.

"Wow, I didn't think Hatsu was that fat before. But this picture really opened my eyes," Sasuke said vaguely putting down the newspaper.

Sakura sighed. '_God, he is so good looking when he's clueless!'_

God, in heaven, nodded in agreement.

"Uh huh. You got that right!"

Sakura patted Sasuke's arm and said, "Guess you're not going into work today!"

"Damn those homophobic bitches!" Sasuke yelled as he watched the pink haired girl search for the handcuffs.

* * *

Editor's Note: Hello everyone! Editor Shippo here. Even though the authors stood over me with whips and forced me to write and edit the chapter, I would like to point out a few minor things. In no way are we against gay or homophobic people. We merely write to make fun of people in general. If you are offended in any way I make a formal apology to you. bows in respect and apologizes. If you have any problem feel free to kill the authors! See you next chapter 

Author's note: Shameless!


	14. Senorita’s Duty

Finally, another chapter! I know, I know, we were being lazy. But it wasn't our fault. We're working on a lot of things at the present moment.. mainly the promotional pictures to illustrate this kick-butt fanfic.

Anyway, read and review. We live to entertain you.

* * *

**Chapter 14 Senorita's Duty and Other Common Absurdities**

He sauntered into my office with inevitability hand in hand. He came in like the wind, without a sound yet the very air swayed with his presence. And even though, I was about to leave, determined to finish off the bottle of sake in my case at home, something compelled me to stay. I heard a crow. It was strange because it was already dark and a silver sliver of moon made itself known against the immense black fabric of the night sky. From the corner of my eyes I watched him move closer to my desk and sit down without any ceremonies of embarrassment at the lateness of the hour.

"Well," began I, still eyes diverted from his half-lidded tired gaze.

He ran a hand over his upper-lip, finishing the motion on the chin, lips jutting out as the brows furrowed. There was trouble abrewing. His arms fell to the side and I knew that he was finally going to speak and finally the air of mystery would be diffused in the general hum-drum of my duties.

Little surprised me anymore.

"Senorita, I have very important yob. Very important. I will need your best people for this, eh."

I must say, my brow arched involuntarily. His thick accent penetrated the very walls of the room, making it low and growling like a voice of a demon. I was intrigued and my heart, even though I hate to admit it, was beating like a caged bird against my ribs. But I kept my game face on, concentration on the bottle in a case under my desk.

"Really?" asked I, my hand slipping over the surface of the desk as I began to drum.

Was this a matter about Orochimaru? Akatsuki? Or an entirely new threat? I didn't know and his manner did nothing to calm down and lower my expectations of a potential drama of life and death.

"Si. I work at de Hounds o Hell-"

I interrupted him, my eyes going wide now. What? A representative of that disreputable place dared to come into my office? I was ready to throw this man of mystery through the window, aiming at the jocose moon and the lonely crow on a tree branch.

"That strip club?"

"Por supuesto. I knew you looked familiar," he replied a little smile showing on his lips before he grew somber once again. I was appalled at his conclusion that I went there …more than once. After all, it was the best place for male strippers even if some of them were a bit too chubby for my tastes, like that Sasukitty person. I still wonder who he really is.

"Basically, senorita, this is a matter of great importance. You see, two chicas from my yob ran away. But that's not the bad thing. They is - how do you say? – his bitches. They take care o him because he doesn't live with his padres."

"So?"

"You don't understand. My boss is gay. Very very gay."

"How gay are we talking?"

"Ryan Seacrest gay."

I gasped.

This had to be dealt with for the security of the whole village was on the line now.

It was enough that one fruitcake like Orochimaru tried to level out our beloved Konoha. But… but… Oh god! I couldn't even imagine the destruction and desolation that would be brought upon the heads of these, of _my_, good people. I shuddered at the thought and looked this man in the eye.

"Do you have any idea where the two runaway women could go?" asked I.

My mind was already calculating, guessing, where the two fugitives could head to. Perhaps they went to the village Hidden in Sand. Kazekage was quite lenient on immigrants from parts of the fire country. Or perhaps they even…

"Shitcago."

No! There was no way those two would head to the one village where the shitiest ninjas in all nations decided to live together because they had no special traits to pass on through blood lines. All of my shinobi would stick out like sore thumbs in a dump of that magnitude.

I couldn't risk it… I… I. But the way his brows wiggled I realized that it was village's security that had to be my top priority rather than lives of few individual shinobi. I stifled a sigh of regret and extended my hand to the man.

"I will send a team to retrieve the two runaways. All I need is their description, specific traits, and the like."

"I can do better," he said, his hand slipping over mine, leaving something in my palm. He rose from his seat and walked out of the office.

Yet, the inevitability stayed to choke the breathe out of me as I stared at my hand. In it was a clipping from Konoha's top newspaper featuring two women with a sight of blood-curdling madness in their eyes as they slaughtered countless emoes. They were the targets.

* * *

Grinning vividly in the dimness of the girl's bathroom, Naruto was pretending that happiness was still his companion, though misery was slipping its slimy arm around his shoulders in mock attempt at comfort. He didn't mind, because minding meant that he wasn't happy and therefore he would have to immerse once more into the darkness of dread and broken dreams.

He thought….well, he thought a lot of things as he ran, tears making a kaleidoscope of colors from the typical street. Even the faces of bland people became paintings of extravagant nature, though they didn't capture his imagination. Yet the thoughts didn't clear the dull pain in his chest as it throbbed with every breath.

It was injustice. Pure and simple.

Injustice and a foul trick on the part of fate to deal him such poor taste in clothes and lack of pearly white complexion and typical chick-magnet tortured past. No, he was stuck with loud-mouth personality and sun sprinkled skin and this mask of supposed happiness and cheer. He hated it.

He hated it so much that he was hitting his forehead against the rugged surface of the public bathroom.

"Damn, damn, damn. I was an idiot. She would… she would never love me. I was-"

From the outside came raspy sound of footsteps. He saw a person pass in front of the door, slim short shadow creeping from under the crack. Who could it be?

"Naruto, come on, man. You can't stay in a girl's bathroom forever. You have to get out."

Wiping tears with the back of the sleeve of his orange jumpsuit, he continued to watch the shadow as it uncomfortably shifted from one foot to another.

It was Edward. The voice wouldn't lie and even the door couldn't disguise the worry as it lingered in the low tone of the blonde.

"What 's he doing here?" popped into Naruto's head next. Surely this was no mere act of politeness because Edward was far from being a polite young man. So then…Naruto hit his head against the wall again to block out the involuntary thoughts. No, he mustn't. It's all wrong. Edward was his friend and…

And, god, it was so hard to distinguish between thoughts of flattery and longing with those of wretched misery.

Seeing Sakura walk through the streets with Sasuke trotting behind her like a little dog was painful. Clutching the clothes over his thumping heart, Naruto was stifled with ambivalence.

"Naruto. Come on," the other insisted, his gloved knuckles rasping on the door as he knocked. "There's a line standing outside. I don't know how long I can hold them off before they start a riot."

Naruto sighed, from the corner of the eyes spotting the shadow in place. Edward was right. He couldn't hide away in public bathroom forever. Sooner or later he would have to face the cruel world and he would have to smile because smiling was the only way to suppress the tears that were already streaming down his face.

Naruto moved to the door, his steps ginger and silent. With that same cat-caution, he pushed the door open, eyes focusing on the sunlit street. There, sun-kissed and calm, though there was worry behind the amber eyes, stood Edward, grinning from ear to ear. There were no women, no riots, no chaos, no MCR.

The world didn't end, though inside he felt it crumbled into nothingness when he slammed the door.

He ran to the image of cherubic peace, throwing his arms around the shoulders, burying his face in the other's neck. Surprise passed over the older teen's face, as his arms inwardly closed around Naruto.

"I'm sorry," came a muffled apology, but the alchemist remained silent. He had no words to conjure.

* * *

"We can't afford to wait any longer. The time is ticking away. A proper plan needs to be in order.

A pause ensued.

"And besides, the rent is due. "

"Nagger."

"Dead weight."

"Hey, hey. Both of you, stop. Orochimaru, stop nagging and you, Envy, you are not helping."

"Yes I am."

"Proposing that someone seduces Kakashi and then commits suicide so that Kakashi would kill himself too because he would rather die than live without love is not helping."

"You just don't have a sense of romantic tragedy."

Haku sighed, rubbing his temples. Ever since he joined this group, it's been a real pain in the butt and not in a good sense. The legendary Orochimaru proved to be a rather unreliable accomplice, never giving enough money to pay for rent, making up some lame excuse that bank couldn't recognize his debit card because of identity theft. Envy was…Envy was a completely other category. It was loud mouth, annoying, uncooperative, and to add to all of that had a nasty habit of making stupid suggestions.

"Anyway, let's review what we have so far," the youth said, eyes narrowing dangerously on the two older male things people.

With an air of authority he picked up a notebook full of scribbled writing.

"What do we have here? Ok, the Kennedy assassination is out, drowning, pulling an Elvis Presley, sending him to another dimension, praying for god to smite him, calling Reverend Robinson, calling Kerry for back up for Reverend Robinson, electrocution, mob drive by, poisoning, hypnosis, seduction, ice cream. What the hell is 'ice cream' for?"

Orochimaru cleared his throat, eyeing Haku with disdain. "You don't know what 'ice cream' is? They don't teach anything anymore."

He stole a glance of Envy who gave a nod of approval. "Ice cream, my confused young friend, is when you freeze your opponent and then a hundred years later they are unfrozen and are unable to adopt to the futuristic world and kill themselves."

"Jesus Christ!" the boy screamed, throwing the notebook to the ground, anger flashing dangerously through the usually tranquil eyes. He was clenching his fists, glaring at the two companions. They were being ridiculous. Zabuza always came up with practical plans and never ever came up with bull like 'ice cream'.

"He's not coming until-"

"Shut up! We're going to do this my way and if I hear even one word out of you, I'll slice your throat before you can blink," hissed Haku, narrowing his eyes, lips set in a firm line. He wanted his revenge served cold and cruel but those two were messing it up for him. No more. He'd get what he wants one way or another even if meant challenging someone like Orochimaru.

"Rawr, I love the fire," murmured the said legendary ninja, giving Haku a playful wink.

And sure enough, the youth was at the pearly throat, his kunai knife gracing the skin. Breath aggressively coated the pale snake like features as the fingers closed tighter around the handle.

"I'm not fucking around."

Orochimaru gave a casual nod, since he didn't feel like messing up his manicured nails. He just got back from Sex Me Up. There was no way a fight with the kid would be worth his perfect little nails.

"Good. Now you listen and listen good. I heard a rumor that the owner of Hounds of Hell was searching for two employees and that he enlisted the services of the Hokage. She'll be sending her shittiest shinobi to the Shitcago soon."

"So?"

"Shut it, Envy. This means she'll be sending Team Seven. But since, the owner is gay, very, very gay, she wouldn't afford to only send those shitty ninjas. Kakashi will go with them," Haku finished with a smug smile.

Orochimaru cocked a brow at this. It looked rather promising. They would be able to ambush the little team and deal with Kakashi as they saw fit, mainly kill him. Haku retreated to the back of the room, leaning against the wall, the kunai still in the clutched hand so that knuckles turned white.

"We can kill him then," Envy said slowly, eyes going from one member of his team to the other, a wide grin spreading over the thin lips. "Perfect."

Orochimaru mirrored the carnivorous sneer, leering silently at the blood that would be spilled on the dawn of a new day when light would reign over this good for nothing village. There would be nothing to stop them. No force in nature would save Kakashi from his immediate doom dealt by the Transvestite Trio.

Not even the Devil himself.


	15. The Trail We Blaze

It took forever, I know, but that's because we had a lot of ideas and I was too lazy to put all of them in.

But I promise, next installement would be much faster and way better. Since school is almost fin ( see I'm using fancy words now ), I'll have more time to dedicate myself to this brilliant revolutionary piece of literature.

Review away or not at all. And FYI, I don't own Naruto or FMA, but Shitcago is totally my idea.

* * *

**Chapter 15 The Trail We Blaze**

In the deepening gloom of the descending day, the two strange phantoms hid away from the curious eyes of the wood's creatures. The darkness's curtain was near impenetrable and only the spare sounds of crunching old leaves and broken twigs announced the slow march. The shadows, like guards, protected the two fugitives and they slinked along the tall trees as though they were shadows themselves. In other words, it was really, really dark. 

A lone hand traced the rugged surface of the bark, fingers curling ever so slightly. Those merciless fingers traced the curves of the bark with much theatrical affection. They were long thin, but at the same time strong and square at the tip. One could see well that these hands worked hard. There was little feminine delicacy. 

Now as the creatures approached a sudden clearing in the midst of the thick woodland growth, the grip of the hand tightened on the trees. It seemed, to the very few spectators, that this particular stalking phantom needed arboreal support. And even through her grip tightened, the trees didn't moan in sign of protest as they did when metal teeth dug under their bark. They stood silent and grim, witnesses to centuries of human experience. Like giants they stood, branches reaching out in all direction, and often winding with one another. And they were crowned, like proper nobles, with leaves of green hue. 

In the middle of such grandeur, the two shabby forms trudged along. Their gazes were hard as stone even if signs of exhaustion lingered behind. Yet there was soberness in the two pairs of orbs. 

A lone melody of forest rang through the cold air as the night came to stay. There, the bird gave its voice and, there, rustled the bushes as a forest rodent scurried for its home. The phantoms stopped and looked upward. Dark green light gently fell on their faces. 

"Do… do you think we're far enough," a little cautious voice escaped the woman's full lips as her eyes flickered with distress. 

Neither one smiled, though each wanted to so badly. You know, they got away in the end. Through the small patches, they could even see the starry sky. A moon, round and full, shone in the dark heavens, the same one that shone over the Konoha. One of them shrugged, narrow shoulders barely moving. 

"We must be. We have been running for two days. It would take time for everyone to realize that we're gone." 

Her knees buckled under her weight and she collapsed to the ground in a heap of lassitude. She hugged her knees tightly, staring attentively at nothing. 

"We can't run forever, Haru. Besides, we're out of booze. You know I can't function without booze." 

The dark-haired woman took few steps aimlessly in random direction, sudden restlessness overtaking her. She wanted to keep moving , but could leave until her partner recovered. And anyway, as she reflected silently, both she and Haru looked bad, really bad. In their flight, they didn't dispose of their soiled clothes and blood, saliva, and fragment of bones lodged in the niches of their clothes remained just so. Hatsu noticed how there was a tooth sticking out in Haru's hair and the way blood was caked on her fingers. Perhaps they should have thought out their macabre fest better. Alas, it was too late and they were stuck in a forest with the night stalking their every step. 

"Oh I know, just hold on. There's bound to be a city or town or village around here." 

"Don't tell me you believe in the legend of the Shitcago! You've been saying this the whole way here. And I'm going to tell you this one last time. Shitty ninjas don't exist," retorted Hatsu, running hand through her hair in hopelessness. 

No beer. No tequila, No vodka. How the hell did people survive in the wilderness? 

"Yes, they do and ,by _God, _Shitcago is our only hope. Who else would take us? I mean, look at us. We look like we're in Manson's little fan club. Gosh." 

Hatsu took few more steps away from her friend, something catching her curious eye. Was it…was it something more than random fireflies? There weren't supposed to be any fireflies this late in the summer. 

"Look," said she, pointing to the north. 

"I don't see anything," answered Haru, squatting now, one knee planted on the ground as the other levitated above the ground. Her palms laid flat on the forest floor, rustling the fallen leaves. 

"No, look closer. It's… it's a sign! It's a sign! We found it!" 

"Found what?" 

"Shitcago! We found the Village Hidden in the Shit! Christ, I'm so happy… I'll… I'll even kiss Damien right now." 

"Ok I believe you now, Hatsu. You need booze. I get it. You don't need to rub in the fact that you're probably right. We've been in these woods for days and haven't seen any shi-" 

"Dammit, listen to me. We found the Village Hidden in the Shit. I'm not hallucinating and not making fun of you!" 

And with that being screamed over her shoulder, the woman darted in the direction of the blinking lights like a maniac that she was.

* * *

"It's week old. " 

The man brushed away dried blood from his finger tips, rising. Eye snapped on the other five people. They stood silently, intensity drawn on their youthful faces. Eyes set and hard stared at him in blunt acceptance. It would take one hell of a chance to find the tracks now and they were week old… maybe more. 

They were tired, shoulders slummed and mouths dried with thirst. But pity for them could not revive the decrepit signs of the runaways. 

"What do we do now? The blood track ends here." Sakura was the first to speak, hugging her stomach in sick disappointment. Sasuke stood to her side, focused on the little drop of dried crimson upon the leaf. 

Dimly, he wondered whose blood, that was so casually discarded, it was. Which poor soul now burned in the pits of unfriendly hell for the sake of this moment of loss? 

"Sasuke, Sakura, check the trees. By this time they were tired and might have left more clues. Broken branches, cracked bark, mud. Anything that might point the way." 

The two nodded, making an inhuman jump upward, landing on one of the massive branches. A fraction of a second later, both were scouting the forest, dividing it in equal halves. 

"Naruto, Naruto-clone, and Rin Tin Tin , go by foot. You should know what to look for. If you find anything, give an owl call." 

"What about you, Kakashi-sensei?" asked the blonde, azure eyes looking up. Determination was written all over his features and the usual foolish grin was nowhere to be found. 

"I need to go over our intelligence. No one from our village has been in Shitcago since it was established by all the shitty ninjas. These old maps need some deciphering. We might have missed some important detail," he answered, taking out the mentioned scrolls from the pocket of his vest. Naruto gave a nod, moving away from the clearing with Edward and Al following close behind. 

The younger Elric trailed behind, moving aside the branches that kept slapping his head off. 

"Stupid forest. Where's the heavy machinery when you need it?" murmured the tinman, glancing up through the canopy for a moment. 

"Why did we even have to come, Ed? Naruto, you could have handled this on your own." 

"I –" began demon vessel but was interrupted by his friend. 

"Did you really want to be separated from our best bud for like…ever? Don't think so, so stop whining, Al, and look for clues," responded the elder Elric. 

Al stopped for a moment, scrutinizing the back of his brother in blunt disbelief. 

'Oh no he didn't,' he thought, grumpily drilling a hole in the back of the other's head with his stare. There was something strange about Edward as of lately, concluded the younger of the two. Blondie was acting very peculiar ever since that fateful incident with Sakura and Sasuke walking through the city holding hands and Neji and Shikamaru and what not. Who was the third guy anyway? Al could only remember an ugly green color surrounding and suffocating his sense of style. 

But anyway, going back to Edward's strangeness. Come to think of it, that was the time that Edward, and Naruto too for that matter, began exhibiting signs of very rare blushing disorder. Al couldn't explain it, but every time Edward and the ninja boy brushed hands or so much as caught each other's eyes, one of the blondies would turn faintest shade of pink. And even now, as the tin man observed them from the back, they were keeping their separate ways. Yet their shoulders were in so close a proximity that they nearly brushed against one another. They made a point to stare off in different directions, responding to Al over left shoulder for Naruto and right for Edward. Peculiar indeed because it was obvious how they tried not to look upon one another. 

Al crossed his arms across his chest. "I wasn't whining, just pointing out the obvious. We have no business being here. You're not even a certified ninja yet." 

"Just because sensei thinks that not having a stripper's autograph means that I can't infiltrate a strip bar, doesn't mean that I'm not good enough to be a ninja. Just means that my teacher is a complete ass-hole fruity bureaucrat." 

"Hey, hey. Kakashi might hear ya." 

Edward gave an exasperated sigh. "You don't even know who I'm talking about, Al." 

Yes, another sign of obvious change. Edward became rather impatient with Alphonse, as though the other was an immense bother of some sort, an overly inquisitive little child. Naruto, on the other hand, grew more kind and considered. But at the present moment, his attention was caught by something else rather than defending the poor tinman. 

"Look, there's something caught on that twig. It's… it's a piece of cloth. Believe it! We found it. We found it! We found a raging clue."

* * *

Meanwhile somewhere in the canopy of the forest the two love birds were comfortably nestled on a branch. Their legs swung freely as the eyes diverted into the boundless skies. To both of them it seemed as though eternity was stretched out before them, if only they could maintain the balance of this moment. Sakura gave a diminutive sigh, laying her head down in a puppyish way on Sasuke's shoulder. Yet, the young man was preoccupied with his own things and the presence of the girl eluded him. As his legs swung, so did his mind. 

It went to and fro, from the past to the future, skipping over the present. He could almost make out in the dim shadows of the forest a figure with long black hair, tied back, and eyes of cold violet calculating emptiness. And then that image morphed into something of a short blonde man who had a dazzling smile and promise of brightening day. And yet all of those wonderful phantoms ultimately turned into a dark cloaked brute, whose smirk and red eyes raised the hair on the back of Sasuke's neck. Before the raven was driven on the verge of jumping off and tackling that cackling apparition, it turned into the pink haired girl by his side, who sighed again, slipping her hand into his hand. Sasuke didn't know what to do anymore. 

Everything was becoming rather confusing and his ambitions were not ambitions anymore but mild desires. Was he the avenger as he wrote numerous times in his hideously bad poems? Or has he become someone else? If so, then who? Who was Sasuke Uchiha if not an avenger? He didn't know, but the more the thought of it, the stranger became the present predicament and the visions began all over again.

* * *

An owl call echoed through the forest. Kakashi's head shot up from the maps and he sprang into action, starting short sprint to the small group. There on the spot he saw Edward and Alphonse observing something that Naruto held gingerly in his hand. 

As he neared, the contours of the object formed a piece of cloth, flat and delicate laid out on the tan palm. 

"What is this?" asked the man before he could take a proper place and observe the object more closely. 

"We're not sure," spoke Edward slowly. He looked up, showing his own confusion to the silver haired man, who in turn nodded and took the piece of clothe from Naruto. 

He dangled it in the air, watching it flail around, thin as tissue and yet durable enough to withstand four men. Kakashi crumpled it into his hand, but the texture gave him nothing. Baffled expression crossed his face too. 

"Kakashi-sensei. Did you find anything?" 

The pink-haired menace to society jumped from a tree. Her eyes quickly caught the all around puzzlement and knew instinctively that this matter needed a woman's touch. "Can I see it?" 

Without a word, Kakashi opened up his palm and presented their finding to the only woman, if not counting Naruto who spent more than half an hour in woman's bathroom, of the group. Her eyes grew wide with first surprise then something of disgust. 

"You… you idiots. Can't you read? It says on the top "toria's Secr " . Garsh. Am I the only one who has a brain here?" screamed the girl, pointing accusingly at the three boys. 

"What's "toria's Secr"anyway?" Alphonse asked. 

"It's a brand of underwear, you nimrod. This is a piece of someone's under garment." 

Before anyone could respond, Sasuke dropped from the height of the tree, glancing over curiously at the piece of evidence. 

"I know this underwear. It's Haru's." 

"I'm not even going to ask how you know that," murmured Naruto, though he could have kept this to himself. 

"Which way was the cloth pointing when you found it? This could restore our track." 

"It was that way." The youth pointed to the north and his teacher followed that direction, passing by the group in seconds. 

"You know what I want to know." 

"What?" 

"How the hell does a piece of underwear gets stuck on a bush?" 

"Oh you guys, you don't want to know what I've just stepped into." 

"Never mind." 

And they were off. 


	16. Connections

Oh sigh, it's the last chapter of the summer and the ending is so far far away.

But today's lesson to learn about crack fanfictions : lame explanations to already established reasons for certain events ( erm, Uchiha massacre ). Yup. We went there.**  
**

* * *

**Chapter 16 Connections**

Now as the days continued to progress in the same mad pace that only refugees knew of, strange events came to pass. Suddenly, in the Village Hidden in the Shit emerged a new strip bar. No one knew the owners, at first, but the popularity of the bar grew exponentially, drawing in people from all walks of life. The friendly doors opened for one and all and the marksmanship of the dancers was becoming legendary. They might as well have been selling wood, on how well the dancers knew their stuff. And oh my, have you seen the bartender? She was as though made to serve alcoholic drinks. After gulping down a good share of beer herself, the woman told such fanciful stories that one and all laughed the night away.

"Son of the devil? Emo? That's a real knee-slapper, Hatsu," they would say to her, winking at the drunken woman.

But she would shake her head, animatedly flailing her arms around, and explain once more about this man 'Damien' and his establishment of deadly dogs.

But what did the people of Shitcago know of such things? Their village was not recognized by many, mocked at for the lack of brilliant shinobi.Not to mention the fact that it didn't exist until few chapters ago. Yet, with this wondrous establishment, reputation of this village spread far and wide. If you look in the corner of the strip bar, you might even see the white mop of Jiraya's hair as he watched the show. Apparently, as he explained to the bartender once, years ago he developed 'top-less women' senses that allowed him to exactly pinpoint any new strip bars, which in itself was rather strange, because this bar was predominantly of the male strippers kind.

Oh well, the Shitcagoans learned something new about Jiraya, though most of them preferred never to know anything about that 'toad sage'.

Prosperous times entered the shitty gates and the people rejoiced. They honored the business pundits that came bloody and torn to their town in search of refuge. The Shitcagoans were ready to do anything for their benefactors.

Both Hatsu and Haru became rich, more so than Paris Hilton ever dreamed of, granted she had enough brain power to dream. They were so rich that they could imitate the life style of an Iranian dictator in the late seventies, buying a toilet out of gold. They were so stinking rich that they donated their money to improve the shitty ninjas of the village and make them a force to be reckoned with. And yet, though they were happy, there was always fear lingering within them. Konoha and Damien loomed over them like two terrifying stalking phantoms. Whenever they turned around, they knew that even the golden throne could not protect them from being hunted down like rats and disposed off. They became paranoid in their manner, installing security systems, tapping phones, and creating a 'Strip'land Security Department in the local government, which was designed to fight potential attacks on the valuable strip-bars and their owners with inefficiency and idiocy.

And for a time, the two women felt safe. Yet, this feeling quickly faded when they heard that a group of strangely talented shinobi entered the city. Now, Haru and Hatsu knew that they were found and that Damien actually abandoned his poetry writing long enough to hire some ninjas to track them down.

"Damn, Hatsu, it's only a matter of time before those horny shinobi find our joint," commented Haru once after taking a full swing of the gold-incrusted beer bottle. "The mayor won't let them take us back to Konoha. We are way too well established in this dump."

"Yeah," said Hatsu and passed out.

But as it happened, team Kakashi members weren't the only foreign shinobi in that god forsaken place. In the dead of the night, three shadows sneaked in, leaving no trace and no sign of intruding, except for the couple dozen copies of surveillance tapes.

The Shitcagoans slept soundly, thinking only of their wondrous acquisitions and the upcoming taxes and the fact that tourism was picking up despite the picturesque name. Yet, they should have been troubled by new arrivals for surely they meant trouble.

What kind of people jump over fences?

The next day, on the streets appeared a tall good looking black haired man, shopping for purple eye-shadow with a palm headed… um, thing. And if one managed to come in closer, which was certainly the aim of young Shitcagoan girls, one could have heard their strange conversation.

"So, Orochimaru, do tell me why you're indulging yourself in this manual work of shopping. Don't you have minions for this?" asked the palm tree, leaning against the wall, eyes lazily sliding over to the colorful crowd. His arms were crossed across flat chest, smirk pleasantly spread over the predator features.

The black-haired tall glass of gorgeous turned to his companion. He fixed the palm tree with something of confusion.

"Of course. But this isn't work," he said. "Besides, aren't you having fun? I'm having fun."

Envy groaned. "I would have more fun dieing and coming back to life repeatedly for enjoyment of few hundred anime enthusiasts on a big screen tv than this." And it earned him an arched brow and a scowl.

"Should have taken Haku along. At least he knows a thing about style," thought the snake-man, returning to his work of picking the right shade of the eye-liner. The decision was really between the gentle colors of lilac and bold new purple, enough to make eyes bleed.

Which one? Which one?

"Hurry up."

"Beauty requires time. So, shut up."

"It doesn't take this long to pick up your make-up. You're such a drama queen."

"What? What did you just say?"

Suddenly Orochimaru flared up, his eyes shining with a glint of a madman, pupils dilating only to narrow. Palm tree backed down, stepping away from the wall and then some odd steps back until hitting the door.

"Now now, I didn't actually mean it that way, Orochi," Envy purred, his knees buckling under him as the enraged look of the lunatic persisted to follow him. His hands went up in defensive mode, palms facing his companion with fingers spread out.

"C'mon, buddy, I was just kidding. Funny, right?" Envy gave a weak nervous laugh.

One hand went back to play with the doorknob to escape into the open. Alas, he was too late and in one spring Orochimaru was upon him. The snake-man's hand closed around Envy's collar, daggling the other male with feverish persistence.

"Never, never call me a drama queen if you want to see another day. It's drama _princess_" And then he let go and burst into tears running into the woman's dressing room.

Envy rubbed his raw neck. He couldn't very well understand why would Orochimaru make such a big scene and then mention 'Drama Princess', Konoha's biggest beauty pageant. "Jesus," murmured the palm tree. He gave the sky a quick glance. "Not you."

Meanwhile, somewhere in the same district as the other two, Sakura and Sasuke were searching the streets of Shitcago for their targets, the bartender and the dance instructor, code name: Drunk and Drunker. Kakashi insisted that the whole team had to mingle with the locals, see what they were doing and saying, gather any sort of intelligence (Sasuke had a good laugh about that looking at Naruto) to lead them to the fugitives. Of course Edward, Al, and Naruto went into the suburbs. The legends of the street where no one walked and the square patches of green grass were enough to capture their fruity imagination. After all, there was no way any one of them would be able to afford a two story house, a back yard, and a blonde animatronic wife. So the next best thing was to linger on those empty streets, looking over their shoulders for a serial killer (not that a profession would want to touch them). Their conversation, accordingly, was whispered in low tones as they huddle together with eyes wide as saucers.

"This place is giving me the creeps," murmured Naruto, shuddering.

"It's called middle-class suburbia. Evil is born and bred here and resides in these houses ranging from 200,000 to 300,000 dollars in price."

"Woah, that's deep, man," the blonde replied to the other blond.

Al only groaned in frustration. He was only voice of sanity and, frankly, he was getting tired of being ignore by the other two. He only hoped that if there were serial killers (and there was 50-50 chance, judging from the look on the too big to be real lawn gnome, that there were), he hoped they wouldn't be fickle enough to take out the two bimbos by his side, hugging and whimpering like little girls. "Wimps," he muttered, shrugging them away when Al started tearing because apparently the gnome moved.

Anyway, as for the rest of the mystery gang, Sakura and Sasuke were inspecting the north and Kakashi, being a real playa, went to the South Side. Unfortunately, what happens on the South Side, stays on the South Side, though after visiting those enigmatic neighborhoods, Kakashi became surprisingly richer and refused to be called anything except for 'The Pimp'. So it stuck with him for the rest of the mission, but that's a different story in its entirety.

Sasuke and his greatest fanatic, Sakura, were having a little more fun than Naruto and the posse, but a little less than Kakashi, trying out his new pimp mobile. Walking through the busy streets of the city, they window shopped, and laughed and talked. They were having a grand time, blowing up random people, causing chaos, and interrogating possible suspects. Their use of the torture methods was enough to make Bush administration proud, and proud they were. As the two of them stopped to take a break, suddenly Sasuke jumped to his feet.

"What time is it?" he hollered, eyes growing mad and wide and he threw his hands in the air like a psycho maniac Sakura always expected him to be.

The girl shook her head, a bit confused and dazed, and still decoding the tormented screams of their last vic… I mean suspect. "It's about four. Why?"

"Four?!" Sasuke's eyes bulged and his usually porcelain complexion turned a healthy tone of pink with exasperation. "Why didn't you tell mee it was four? Holy mother of Christ! Itachi is going to kill me…" his voice trailed off and he went into a full frontal anxiety attack.

Seeing as if she didn't intervene, her beloved raven was going to collapse with epilepsy, Sakura tackled him to the ground, pinning him down with a growl. "Get a hold of yourself, Sasuke-kun. You're making a scene."

But the drama queen was relentless. He kept tossing his pretty head, screaming something about Itachi and eternal damnation and… TV show? Sakura couldn't make the ends of it meet, but held the boy down until he exhausted himself and was reduced to low whimpers. "Now, tell me what's the big deal with time!" she commanded, her voice low and dangerous and the green eyes narrowed with sniper's accuracy.

"You don't understand," wailed Sasuke. "If I don't watch Gray's Anatomy at four o'clock, Itachi would _kill_ me." The sight of him was horrible. All the eyeliner started to run, his lips were trembling, and to top it all of, his perfect complexion was ruined. If Sakura wasn't addicted to his spanking body she would have surely dumped him right there and then. She didn't need another pussy (that's for all of you out there who write InoXSaku pairings. Shameless). After few moments of sniffling and struggling, Sasuke continued, "What if McDreamy hooks up with Meredith and Itachi won't find out about it before Deidara? He'll be furious. Oh god, he'll skin me alive….He'll break every bone in my gorgeous beyond all words body. He'll… he'll… he'll force me to listen to George W. Bush's inaugural speech!" And he was screaming now on top of his lungs, making the pedestrian turn their heads in acute curiosity. Man, these tourists were weird.

Sakura slapped him. "Snap out of it. Sasuke, you're delusional. Why would Itachi torture you with bad English because of a TV show?"

"It's not just ANY TV show. It's the only reason why I'm still alive. Why do you think Itachi kept me alive?"

"Umm, because he's a sick freak."

"Close," mumbled Sasuke under his breath, becoming surprisingly quiet. "You see, no one knows the real reason why Itachi killed my whole clan, except for me. Sakura, I'm about to tell you the real story behind Uchiha massacre." If Sakura wasn't so fed up with the raven's episode, perhaps she would have gasped. Instead it was… "If this is about ping pong tournament, I'm leaving to find Kakashi-sensei."

"No, no, don't go. I've gotta tell you," wailed the Uchiha. His eyeliner was nonexistent at the present, except for being splattered all over his flushed cheeks. "Itachi always liked to watch TV, that's why his eye-sight started to go bad and soon he was practically blind. The clan refused to get him glasses, because he would have looked like that dork Kabuto, and since he no longer could see shit, the clan took away his TV privileges. Instead of tuning in to Gray's Anatomy, they watched Will and Grace (Sakura shuddered) every night. Tormented by the snappy comebacks and shallow gay men, Itachi lashed out to take back his TV rights, killing everyone who watched even one episode of Will and Grace, who turned out to be everyone… except for me. I only watched Sex and the City. But there was another reason why he spared me. He needed someone to watch every episode and retell him what happened. He couldn't ask anyone else, because let's face it, Gray's Anatomy is a fruity doctor show. So, from that day on, I had to call Itachi and tell him about the show, even though, I miss Sex and the City. I cannot forgive him for taking away my favorite show and that's why I have to kill Itachi. I want to watch Sex and the City, but until Itachi lives, I'm bound to watch only Gray's Anatomy… hey, where're you going?"

Sakura was already halfway down the block, running as fast as she could. Why was she always stuck with idiots? Life sucked.


	17. Watch Me Work It: I'm Perfect

Oh GOD, it's been like forever and this time I can't blame anyone but myself. A certain writer got a wee-bit lazy. But you don't have to be afraid anymore, imitation is here to make it all better. You want me to kiss you boo-boo? Do your homework for you? Kill a character in my fanfiction? Sure, I'll do this all for you since now I have a LOT of free time.

But enough about me. The next lesson in crack fan fiction is made up past that supposedly changed a character. YAY! And many thanks to my editor, fabulous artist, and friend : Lord Dogma. She made this post-Christmas miracle happen!

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**Chapter 17 Watch Me Work It: I'm Perfect**

"Yes, honey, the mission is going fine."

"I will."

"I promise."

"I'll be home soon and I'll bring back Damien's girls." Kakashi sighed. Luci has been getting on his case with all these calls and questions. Couldn't he trust him? One incident of infidelity and boom, he was now a cheating husband… that was hardly fair. They weren't even technically married. He racked a hand through his wild hair. How could he work with all of these distractions? It was impossible. Luci was being impossible not to mention that Damien was turning out to be a huge disappointment. It seemed that there was no hope out there. His son was straight and there was nothing that Kakashi could do, except accept him for the freak that he was. Parenting sucked.

As he mused, for a moment Kakashi let down his guard only to be tackled by the overjoyed Naruto. "I'm sooooo freaking happy to see you, sensei. We were chased by a big gnome and Al was almost ra-" Naruto stopped in his squealing not because Kakashi was turning a particular shade of blue (lake blue to be exact ) but that the boy finally noticed his teacher's get up. "Whoa…. Kakashi-sensei where did you get the purple velvet suit? It looks nice, right guys?" the blonde asked the other two companions who were just arriving on the scene. It was late evening and the Shitty-street lamps were just starting to light up.

"Hell yeah. Kakashi-sensei is a total playa!" Edward agreed, nodding as he tried to detach Naruto from the chocking teacher. "C'mon, let go. You're forgetting again that people need to breath."

"Oh…. I thought that was a hobby. BELIEVE IT!"

Al slapped himself on the metal forehead, which produced a gong like sound. Sakura, upon hearing that, hurried to the meeting spot. She expected Sasuke would be soon in when he finished telling Itachi his show's detailed summary over the phone.

She wasn't too happy about it though, since Shitcago had bad connection and they were roaming because of that. Sakura expected to take out all of her frustration out of Sasuke that night and Naruto had a foreboding feeling that he wouldn't be able sleep tonight.

Kakashi cleared his throat and dusted down his suit. "Now then, did anyone gather any intelligence?"

There was silence as most of the crew looked away in different directions. Naruto scratched his head, azure eyes squinting in thought. "Nope. Nothing," he said after a moment. Al slapped himself in the forehead again, announcing Sasuke's arrival.

"Listen dopes. Ita-. I mean, a little birdie told me that a new strip bar opened in Shitcago and apparently, it's the most popular place in town. We might as well go since most of the people would be there anyway and we'll be able to tor-….interview them more efficiently." Needless to say that Sasuke reapplied his eyeliner and looked like his normal half-dead, crazy, lunatic self.

Edward sniffed. "That makes sense to me. Let's go." Kakashi caught him by the braid, yanking him back. "Not so fast, you whipper-snapper. We need a plan first. If we go right now and if our targets Drunk and Drunker are there, they'll recognize us and run. We can't allow them to disappear again now that we're on their trail."

All agreed that The Pimp was making sense tonight and so they put their heads together on this to come up with the best plan ever.

But the reader will find out about that in due time. Until then, let me direct your attention to a certain women's changing room in a certain store where a certain dark-haired snake man was crying his eyes out for some unknown reason. Now then, we're skipping over the time-line, but this hasn't bothered you, the reader, before, so yeah…. Here we go.

"Orochi, c'mon. You can't stay in the dressing room forever," Envy whined for the millionth time, but again his whining fell to deaf ears.

"No."

"But, c'mon… I'm starving and Haku will kill us if we don't come back on time. Orochiiiii."

"No."

"What's the big deal anyway? I just called you a drama queen. I'm sure you heard that one before."

"What's the big deal?" Orochimaru asked, as though he didn't hear it loud and clear through the flimsy curtain that separated him (inside the dressing room) and the severely malnourished palm tree (outside of the dressing room). "No big deal?!"

Oh hell, he was going into one of his fits of rages and everyone knew it, especially Envy. Instinctively, he shrunk away from the dressing room as invisible tongues of fire began to lick the surrounding area. He could almost feel the heat radiating out, blasting him full frontal in the face.

"NO BIG DEAL, huh?"

The curtain flew back and like the possessed child that Orochimaru always was, he charged out, heading straight for Envy, for a quick kill.

"Now, wait a second. Before you kill me," began the poor tropical plant, who was already shaking like a leaf and trying to finish off his will while the snake man was making his way to chop him down. "At least tell me what this is all about!"

The snake man stopped, inches away from trembling Envy. He heavily breathed through his nostrils, clenching hands into tight angry fists. "You wanna know why I absolutely _despise_ being called drama queen?"

Envy didn't know what to do, but in the end, decided to nod for the sake of appearance. In his situation, anything that could prolong his living was worth a shot. Heck, maybe Orochimaru might forget everything about killing him while he told a story…. hopefully it was a long one. "Fine. I will tell you. Sit down," the Sannin commended, as he himself settled on one of the pink chairs within the dressing room space.

"I was always a very pretty child. Even as a boy, I was extremely attractive. I mean, I was gorgeous before I could even pronounce the word. But unfortunately, my mother always wanted a girl. For one reason or another, after she gave birth to me, she tied her tubes and refused to have more kids. I thought it was a little drastic. I mean, sleeping with dad couldn't possibly be that bad." The snake man shrugged as Envy began to feel sleep come over his body. For sure, this was going to be a very very long story.

"So anyway, she decided to live out her dreams in me. Now, I didn't mind it that much. I mean, I was very pretty. Everyone knew and they were all jealous of me. Jealous, I tell you. Jealous." He broke into a fit of maniacal laughter, followed by few moments of eye twitching. Envy was already so far gone, he couldn't hear anything. It was his luck that he didn't snore….that loud.

"At the age of five I entered my first beauty pageant. It was Little Miss Sunshine. Oh, my dress was so pretty. Mommy took three months to saw it. It was green and purple with little white lace around the sleeves. I left my competition in the dust. The judges called me spunky and a fresh-breath in beauty pageants. They all loved me. I mean, what was there not to love? I nailed the talent competition. Haha, I can still see the look on those losers' faces. Didn't expect me to do human autopsy on the stage, now did they."

"After the first win, it was hard to stop. I took Miss Little Rainbow, Tiny Future Home-Violence Victim, Miss Minuscule But Still Visible Slut. I was out to get them all. My mommy was so proud of me. Of course, by this time, my dad left the house. He said he was going to go buy milk and never came back. Mom didn't care though. She was sleeping with the milkman already. She told me every day that the only reason why she gave birth to me was so that I would be a winner. And I was a winner. I thought I was always going to be a winner until-" his voice suddenly broke and Orochimaru was crying again.

The water works woke up Envy, who wiped the drool off of his face and lent the snake man a shoulder to cry on. "What happened? Why weren't you a winner forever?" the anhydrous thing asked the dark-haired piece of gorgeous.

"'Cause…. 'Cause, when I turned twelve, mama sighed me up for Drama Princess beauty pageant. It was the biggest pageant in Konoha. Every little girl who was even somewhat bearable to look at entered it. I was a shoe-in. I was the favorite. I didn't even need to bribe the judges. I was just so sure that I'd win that I made space for the trophy in my trophy cellar, right next to my dad's balls."

"So anyway, my act was polished and my dress was perfect. It was this sort of peacock green , strapless of course. You should have seen me in it. I was breath-takingly beautiful. It was the talent portion of the competition when it happened. For my part, I was going to sing "_I Will Survive_". I had the audience eating out of my hands when….when….Oh, god I can't… I can't say it. It's so horrible!"

"What happened? Tell me. I didn't just suffer through this fill in until the author figures out the next plot move without hearing what happened during Drama Princess Beauty Pageant that made you almost kill me for calling you drama queen. SPILL IT."

Orochimaru sniffed, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve. It was breaking his nonexistent heart. He thought he was stronger than this, but telling the story was like reliving the horrible event that technically made him into the cold, cruel bastard who, everyone knew and loved. Well, not technically loved, but he was definitely famous, if not infamous. This incident alone changed the course of Orochimaru's life, turning him from a lovable if a little strangle little boy, into a homicidal teen who killed his mother (No, it wasn't because she died in the war). The incident was so horrific that forever it will remain embedded in the man's unconsciousness. Each time he closes his eyes, behind the eyelids he lives it, breathes it, suffers it.

"I…..I was going for the finale. The judges were already writing my name on the winner pluck when…."

"When what?"

"My voice cracked."

"So?"

"Tsunade, that meanie beanie, screamed from the back stage that only boys' voices cracked. And then, everyone noticed the lack of boobs and my unnaturally calm composition, no bitchiness or chocolate craving the entire year around. They realized that I was a boy and Drama Princess allows only pretty girls to compete. I was disqualified and I was the laughing stock of the Kohona News Channel for days."

"It's not so bad. I mean, at least they didn't fine you."

"They didn't fine me, but my career as a pageant contestant ended. The worst of it all, the crowned winner of Drama Princess was…."

---

"Lady Tsunade you've just received a call. Should I put it through?"

The large breasted woman nodded from under the table. Ever since Al left for the mission there was no one to remind the Hokage about AA's 12 step program to recovery. The poor woman stumbled through the first three and fell face flat on the fourth.

"Hiya, Tsunade."

"Oh, it's you Jiraya. What's the occasion?"

The man cackled on the other end of the line.

"Just pleasure. So, do you remember what day it is?"

"No. What is it?"

"It's the day I smoked you at Drama Princess all those years –

Tsunade?

Tsunade?

The bitch hung up on me…."


	18. The Big Bang Theory

This special chapter features a prolonged passage written by the one and only Lord Dogma. I don't know why she doesn't write more of this story. I'm sure y'all are tired of my style. I know I am. ))

Anyway, peace, and review if you want to see more shit like this.

P.S. Deidara had it coming.

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**Chapter 18 The Big Bang Theory**

The thunder rattled once the very sky as the single blade of lighting cut through the continuous dark blanket. In the distance the owl hooted. There scrambled the stray cat, eyes glistening like devil fires in the weak light of the moon. And there, the wing of the bat made its whispered sound as the beastie glided through the cold night air. It was as though the whole of nature took in its breath and held it, waiting and biding, for time of great things to come. And evil things were afoot.

Crowd was gathering around an entrance of the illustrious building, stalk full of lights and live. From inside came beats of music, warmth, a sweet smell of underaged drinking and busting egos. This was the place to be. Haru and Hatsu's Hot Spot. And no doubt it was the hottest place around. They were cheap bastards and didn't install air conditioning. Well, who are we to tell them how to runt heir business?

The door opened again and from the inside the booming music irrupted along with wild giggles. People slipped in, themselves grinning like mad men.

"_We know what you want… what you need_." The DJ shouted over the heads of Shitcagoans, his fat torso jiggling in synch with the blasting beats of his self mixed phonodrug. An elderly couple walked into the bar, hand in hand. A blonde girl and her boyfriend closely followed them. Their eyes swept over the reign of chaos. Its subjects wove into one fabric of endless motion. Governed by the beat of neo-modern techno, revived with opening of Hot Spot, these people knew nothing but her majesty Disorder. Neon lights fell on their heads making white shine with tint of gas flame's blue. Limbs twisted. Eyes locked and mouths no longer could communicate because they were busy memorizing new tastes. The blonde girlfriend sent her boyfriend a look, making his azure eyes spark. His heart stepped on the gas and she pulled him right into the thicket of the dancing phantoms. Her high heels clicked. The elderly couple headed for the bar. Someone kicked the trashcan. At the back door, a cat hissed and quieted.

The girlfriend stopped pulling the boy eventually, turning towards him. With an impish grin, she dragged him closer, putting her hands on other's shoulders. His hands involuntarily fell on her hips as he swallowed hard. He grinned at her and she at him. They moved as one, her hips keeping the rhythm.

"_Let us be friends, right to the end_," the DJ would not let up. His coarse voice rang through the whole area. The bartender's eye twitched. "What'll be, old farts?" Hatsu asked, leaning on one elbow. This was one hell of an ugly couple, the woman thought. Then again, the couple didn't think much better of the bartender. The woman looked like she was in state of drunken stupor for weeks already. Her eyes were bloodshot. Her speech was slurred. Not to mention that the elderly male had a fear that if he lit a cigarette close to the bartender, the woman would go off in flames because her body was just so saturated with alcohol. But well, he wasn't a smoker, so Hatsu had nothing to fear.

The elderly man cleared his throat. "A shot of sake for me and the lady," he said in his grossly low voice. Hatsu's head rolled and using the momentum, she swung over to the other side of the bar to get the glasses and the bottle. The elderly woman swept her eyes over the scene. The Exit to the backdoor shone. There was the trashcan. She could almost see the dancing blonde and her boyfriend. "Here you go. This one's on the house. You don't look like you'd live long enough to pay," the bartender said with a laugh and a snort. She then made a point to collapse and take her ten minute 'out cold' break.

"Target sighted," the older gentleman murmured, picking up his glass and chugging the burning liquid in one swing.

Meanwhile, three black-haired women… er, men walked into the strip club. The palm tree's mouth opened at once. "Look at those 180 turns. These guys are real pros!" Envy burst out. Haku slapped him on the head. "Stop drooling over the male dancers and get on to finding Kakashi. I didn't follow him the whole day while you were out shopping for nothing. Now get to it," the boy commanded, sending the glum Envy into the thicket of the dancing people. "Hm, I feel familiar chakra in the air," Orochimaru murmured, tapping his chin. Haku was about to smack the sexy snake man, for wasting time with his annoying musings, when on the stage appeared the one and only Haru.

The music quieted for a bit and the dancers stopped for a moment. The boyfriend made a point to wrap his arm around the blonde's waist, pulling her closer. She giggled, sweat already protruding from her brow.

"Welcome, welcome, welcome to the HOT SPOT!"

The crowd erupted into a roar of praise making Haru put her hands up to quiet them. "Now's the time you all have been waiting for. I welcome to the stage the best exotic dancers in the Fire Country," she made a dramatic pause. "Deidara and the Former Akatsuki!" The crowd was in a frenzy when on the stage stepped on Deidara himself in his customary black coat. He was of course followed by Sasori, Hidan and Kakuzu. The boyfriend whistled at Sasori, making his blonde companion giggle, pushing him playfully. "Oi, you, behave yourself" she spoke, breathlessly, making the boy's cheeks bloom with a blush. Now this was turning out to be a real party.

The feminine blonde and his posse strutted to the center of the stage assumed position. Haru formed a few quick hand signs a disappeared in a puff of smoke. Deidara's skillful hand withdraw from his cloak, revealing a microphone that he draw to his lucious lips.

"_It's Dei-dei, bitch..._"

A rhythmic clicking and boom of a bass beat it against the speaker. The lights went down. Clothes came off, leaving the four clad in the most suggestive of apparelWith the gorgerous blonde in the lead, hips dipped, pelvis swerved and spirit fingers where as flitty as the wings of doves with each flex of a digit.

'One, two, three and sashay.' Deidara counted to himself each step, never falling out of step with the music. He had only one goal tonight - keeping the crowds attention on him. His partners on the other hand...

To the left of the stage, his red haired partner proceeded to tempt a young patron with a coaxing wave of his delicate hand. The young man's eyes were glued to his as he came forward, hesitantly looking down to stash a twenty in his thong. To the right Hidan and Kakuzu could be seen doing the same, presenting themselves in all their glory, tempting young victims with the promise of flesh - if they were paid well that is.

But, that's how it was and how it's always been. Deidara don't care. His only focus was to dance his heart out, to pour the emotions he felt everyday through his body, smiling at the thought of the one who taught him how.

Yes. It was true. Deidara was in love. Only a young man in love could dance the way he was tonight. And it came from the least likely of sources. He couldn't believe it was possible, given his unusual liking for the arts and musical theater. He always thought he knew what he wanted, spending those long nights with Sasori-danna had made him so sure. But, then he meet... HER. Yes. HER.

Closing his eyes, Deidara's very back arched at the memories of her constant yells and shouts during their rehearsals. How he loved it. From her disapproving remarks to her verbal abuse. She held an iron grip on the performers. Her demand for perfection, she had told them once that dancing was an art. An art that could not be flawed by such things as weak dance movements and junk food. If there was one thing she couldn't stand was one of her dancers showing any signs of weight gain.

He could only simply adorable her dominating nature. He starved himself each day to remain slim and in shape. He practiced his moves in front of his bathroom mirror everyday. In time, he had risen to become one most treasured performer. There was no greater high for him. It was coming to a point his only wish in life had dwindled down to her noticing him, to her enjoying the "artwork" he would give her everyday before each practice session instead of beating him when they would combust in her face. He understood that she'd probably never think of him as more than her crowning achievement, her blooming student...  
**  
**The thin sheet of sweat glistened off his body in the dazzling lights. His lean muscles flexed and danced under his skin. His flawless hair perfectly framed the side of his face, his peering eye batting it's lashes seductively. 'But one day,' he thought to himself. 'She'll see.'

There was a change in the boyfriend. Was it him or were his pants getting tighter? It was hard for the boyfriend to resist the pull of nature. The woods were calling. The girlfriend didn't fail to notice but pretended that he knew nothing of the blue-eyed boy's excitement. "The target is to the right," she whispered, turning towards the boy. She laid her hands on his chest, glancing up, batting her lashes. His heart fluttered. Again the blush rose on his cheeks. He took a deep breath, trying to smile. "When do we?" the boy asked. He felt embarrassed about getting so worked up when the girl remained so calm. He diverted his eyes to the right. A strange man/woman/tree thing caught his attention. He stared for few moments before his girl friend's pull on his hand returned his attention to her.

"When the time comes," she answered his question. She took his hand pulling him to the right and he obediently went. Oh god, that miniskirt was the killer. He was enjoying it almost as much as watching Deidara and the rest on the stage. She stopped eventually, continuing to dance at a new spot. The boy did not object, but her eyes were not on him anymore. No, they were to the right. The boy was afraid that his dance partner was checking out the black haired thing. "It's time, " she whispered and he gulped again.

Orochimaru went to the bar. He sat down, but shivered at once. He felt someone's eyes on the side of his face. He turned to look right at the ugly old woman looking at him with intense dark gaze. He almost threw up a little in his mouth but turned away quickly enough. He didn't just see the old woman checking him out. That was too disturbing of a thought. He ordered for the strongest stuff they had in the house, but the bartender was out cold. Orochimaru rubbed his forehead and turned to the stage. Hm, perhaps he wasn't the worst one off. Sure, he was working for Jesus, but at least he wasn't part of the strip show.

The snake man continued to muse, but suddenly his thoughts were interrupted. Suddenly, there was explosion on the dance floor. Smoke at once hit the ceiling and began moving out. Panicked club goers rushed to the doors. There was mass panic as everyone scrambled. Women screamed, as did some men. People beat each other for a chance to get out of the door and the smoke… the smoke was suffocating. It was everywhere soon. The Exit sign glowed a hell fire red.

A particularly loud shriek shook the establishment. Orochimaru turned only to find the old woman gone. Only the old man remained. At least, Orochimaru assumed that it was the old man. He was scrambling over the counter to grab the knocked out bartender. Act of kindness?

"Kakashi! She's putting on a fight!" someone screamed and the Exit door burst open. The smoke curled around it and suddenly everything clicked for Orochimaru. He knew how to get Kakashi. The only problem was, did the rest of his team mates thought of the same brilliant plan?


	19. Dover Beach

The title is for all you literary geeks. If you don't understand how it has any sort of connection to the chapter, you are officially kicked out of the literary geek club. It so does make sense in this context. I swear. Would I lie to you?

Anyway, peace and review.

P.S. Now that my school is almost fin, Dogma and I would be able to post more of this shit. You know you love it. Don't deny it.

* * *

**Chapter 19 Dover Beach**

At precisely 11:00 pm, a fly lands on a windowsill of an apartment. Where's inside a young couple is about to make love until the young man discovers his girlfriend's third nipple on her left side, below her second rib. Much screaming ensues. Across the street, an older businessman is setting down his brief case, exhausted from a long day's work, having full knowledge that his wife and children never appreciate his sacrifices. This has led him to develop suicidal tendencies. He's at his limit. Reaching for the phone as his last resort, he dials a 900 number only to discover they have been shut down due to new ownership. He would kill himself three hours later. Three floors down, a bar fight was breaking out.

Haru rammed her elbow into Naruto's eye socket, throwing him back a few feet, only to hit the stage and shatter its left flank. He huffed, wiping his brow. "What's with this bitch? Did she go to inner-city school or something? She fucking punches," the boy huffed. Edward nodded, distracted by his fallen comrade, which gave Haru just enough time to punch that boy right in the chest. "Nooo," he screamed as he too fell backward, quite close to Naruto. Knocked out, he remained laying by the stage, with blood trickling slowly out of his mouth. Naruto screamed in rage and frustration, charging Haru again, only to be punched back into submission down on the floor and then kicked several time up his diaphragm. By then, Sakura was on the spot. She swung a hook under Haru's chin, throwing the woman back. Naruto coughed, tasting blood. "Shit," he hissed. The smoke was thickening. It was hard to see now. The noises were blanketed, but Naruto could swear he heard feet move, more thick thuds of flesh beating against flesh. He coughed again. Sakura paused by him for a moment before she disappeared into the smoke in hot pursuit of Haru. Naruto passed out. Sasuke found the boy outcold. He sneered before he too disappeared behind the curtain of smoke, muttering something about a useless dobe.

There were muffled bewildered cries, sparks of lighting and howl of roaring fire. And yet, the outcome of the battle was unknown, even to the participants of this show. Soon, the club was deserted, save for the battling Sakura, Sasuke, Kakashi, and Haru. Naruto began to come to as something brushed up against his shoulder. Cold and metallic, the boy could have sworn, it was the faintly familiar sensation. Perhaps a needle? He screamed again, blood gushing out from this new wound on his shoulder. Maddened, the boy charged into the smoke, leaving Edward all alone.

As he entered the smoke, something small and tan whizzed past his ear towards the center of where his fellow team mates stood. An explosion erupted with a bang that threw them away from their target. Kakashi's chidori chirruped once and grew mute. There was an earthquake as Sakura smashed her fist into the floor but that too died out.

Slowly, the smoke began to drift. The fantasyland of their battlefield solidified, returning to its former state of a strip club, though definitely in a more wracked state. Sasuke stood, out of breathe, holding what he thought was Haru's ankle. "Get off me, you idiot. It's me," Sakura hollered, tugging on what she thought was Haru. "It takes me hours to get this hair just right," Kakashi snapped, before he hit Sakura's wrist to free his gorgeous locks. "Now then, where is the Drunk?" he asked passively, looking around. A faint murmur of voices and then another enraged scream came from Naruto before he came flying in their direction, blood covering his entire face. "Damn. I almost had her. Something got me from above," the boy mumbled in Kakashi's arms.

At once, smoke vanished as if lifted by a hand. The team scanned the area. It was gone. Their target was gone. Sakura sprinted to the bar. Hatsu was gone as well. In anger, the pink girl smashed her fist against the counter, splintering it. "Fuck. Where did they go?" she raged, turning towards her incompetent partners. Naruto coughed blood before he slowly limped his way to Edward. The other boy was still out cold. That was some mean punch Haru threw at him.

Naruto fell on his knees. Suddenly, he grew rather disinterested in the mission. With one bloodied hand he reached out to brush his fingers against Edward's cheek. He was still warm, alive. Naruto sighed in relief, smiling faintly. He lidded his gaze for a moment, resting his head against Edward's steadily rising and falling chest. Suddenly, Al popped out of nowhere. He looked around, rubbing his forehead. "We sure did a number on this place."

Sasuke laughed mirthlessly, kicking a leg of a table out of his way. "Yeah, we did. And all for nothing. That trail's cold," he said bitterly, running a hand through his hair. Sakura wouldn't give up looking. There had to be something. Those two couldn't just vanish. Hatsu was out cold anyway. How could she get away in time to get rid of all the evidence? The girl worked her way through the rummage when something caught her eye.

She yelped in pure unbound joy. Naruto raised his head for a moment, opening the azure eyes. "What?" he mumbled. The girl ran over to the others, in her hand a piece of paper. "Here, we have a note. We have a clue," happily Sakura explained herself handing the paper to Kakashi. The man unfolded it, half expecting it to be a menu. But no, it was something far more sinister than poorly selected entrees. His brows arched and then furrowed as he finished reading. "Yes… it's definitely a clue. And it would explain how our targets got away," Kakashi said. He balled up the paper and threw it to the ground, walking away and out of the bar.

Naruto curled up next to Edward, not letting anyone get closer. His glares were enough to even stop Al in his tracks. He decided to stick with Sakura and Sasuke. The two were rather bewildered by Kakashi's response. That was completely out of character. Whatever could have caused it?

Sasuke picked up the crumpled up paper, slowly unfolding it. He smoothed out its edges before all three glued their eyes to the page. Their surprise grew more and more with each sentence. By the time they finished, their brows were nearly touching their hair lines. "Nar-" Sakura began but was interrupted.

Edward coughed, blood flying out. He ran a weary hand over his lips. Then, gingerly touched his chest. He winced. There was probably a major bruise forming right where Haru's knuckles made an imprint. "Oh fuck, she messed up my bra!" Edward shrieked. He reached under his shirt pulling out his unfortunate bra. The padding was all misshapen. He screamed out again. "I'm gonna kill her. And my heels! Just look at my heels! They're all scratched!" he continued yelp. "There there," Al tried to comfort his brother, while Naruto kept grinning because Edward was finally awake. "At least you don't have a beer can in your head because some drunken ass guy thought you were a trashcan," Al argued. Sakura cringed. "Hell, at least you didn't have to shave your head to look like an old fart." Sasuke wrinkled his nose. "My bra itches and it keeps hitting my knees. Can I take it off?" the boy mumbled. Sakura stormed out of the bar. Sasuke obediently followed, scratching his great hanging bust. Al lingered for a moment before he too moved to the door. Edward and Naruto were left alone. They didn't talk. They were just glad that the worst damage were few scratches, a bruise, and a messed up bra.

Outside on the nearby rooftops, a figure crounched along the edge of an apartment complex. Puffs of visible air came visible with the short pants. Dark brown eyes shone as they stared warily at what remained. All their hard work - Gone. Those little bastards. Haru emitted a whiny groan as she prodded her slightly swelling chin and jaw, memory of a pink haired kunoichi flashing across her mind.That little - "Haru, un." Wide eyes flashed in the direction of the voice, a moment of fear passing through them before she reckoned the speaker. "Deidara." The blonde man landed next to her still dressed in his stage attire, sporting marks of ash and dirt in his hair, face and torso. "You set off that bomb didn't you?" Deidara's face lit up at the sign of her recognition. "Hell yeah! Did you see them go flying? I'm telling you a work of art, un."

"Where's Hatsu?" She asked scanning the area for her attackers. "Did you see where she went?" A quiet shake of his blonde tail left Haru with her answer. Haru bounded off the building and landed in the alley down below before running off. "Haru! Wait, un!" Deidara cried after her before following suit.


End file.
